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Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young

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Standing at the Intersection of Fear and Faith

I was standing in the middle of the community garden for a “serve day” with my daughter’s second grade class when I received the phone call. I hardly remember what my husband said but I remember I stopped breathing. Results of biopsy. Melanoma in the lymph nodes. My healthy, athletic husband had cancer. At 40.

I stood there frozen, somewhere between the corn and the kale, holding a diaper bag and several water bottles for the kids on the field trip. What should I do? Text our family? Call our life group? Cry? Sink into a heap in the dirt? Scream? Pray? Leave the kids and go to my man? My head was swirling but I was stress paralyzed. Couldn’t move. The fear started to suffocate me.

In the days that followed, my mind could only imagine the worst. I spent my days weeping, imagining myself a widow raising our three daughters on my own. I envisioned my CrossFit husband in a hospital bed, writhing in pain. Every song on the radio, every commercial, every meal was a trigger for me. My mind would race to the worst-case scenarios, my worst fears somehow coming true.

Fear is something I have struggled with most of my adult life. I have had many experiences where I have been forced to battle fear. In college, I was assaulted on the way to class one day. In the days and months and years to follow, I had to daily battle the fear of being attacked again. When you have experienced physical violence, many things trigger that feeling of fear. Someone simply walking behind me, a public restroom, a television show depicting violence sent me into anxiety attacks. Through Christian counseling and Bible study, I learned to cope, how to discipline my mind and breathe through those triggers, but it took years of practice. And the triggers do not necessarily go away.

In my young twenties, my fiancé and I moved to California from Chicago. I was planning a wedding, and starting my dream job as a features reporter for the newspaper. One day I came home from work to a note from my fiancé. He was leaving and he couldn’t go through with the wedding. For years after that, I struggled with fear of being abandoned. My romantic relationships so often felt like they were about convincing someone to stay with me, willing them not to leave me.

Several years later after I was happily married to a man who far surpassed my fairy tale dreams, I landed an exciting book deal. I worked tirelessly for a year – interviewing, researching, writing – with little feedback from my editor. When I finally turned in the manuscript, she basically said she didn’t like it, and I needed to start over. I was devastated. Paralyzed again to move forward. The fear of failure seeped deep into my soul.

I am a strong believer that God does not intend any journey to be wasted. Through my own battles with fear, I have gained some weapons, some tools to use in the future and share with others.

“God does not intend any journey to be wasted.” – DorinaGilmore

I have learned that just like in labor we have to breathe through the contractions, the triggers, the difficult circumstances. My natural reaction is to tense my muscles and hold my breath through pain. My midwife told me when I was birthing my second baby girl that if I held my breath the contractions would hurt even more. I needed deep, long, measured breaths to carry me through the pain. She was right. Somehow leaning into the pain, breathing deeply, helped me access that strength I needed through the Holy Spirit.

I have also learned to preach the gospel to myself, to bathe myself in grace. A mentor of mine encouraged me years ago to make a little notebook of scriptures to read when I was fearful or anxious. I carry them in my purse, attach them to the gear shift in my car, leave them near my nightstand. I read these truths over and over, sometimes memorizing the words if I can. These meditations lift me out of the mental battle, the worst-case scenario fears.

About three years ago, a friend gave me the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. This book changed my life as I learned about the power of gratitude. Ann taught me the discipline of counting gifts. I realized that each day – no matter how blissful or tiring or terrible – is filled with gifts, specific reminders that our Father loves us. These past three years, I have been listing these daily gifts. Ann writes, “This living a lifestyle of intentional gratitude became an unintentional test in the trustworthiness of God – and in counting blessings I stumbled upon the way out of fear.”  The discipline of daily thanksgiving has given me new eyes to see past the fear and even embrace life’s hardest offerings as gifts.

I believe every battle with fear puts us at an intersection. We have to choose fear or faith. It’s no coincidence that one of the most common admonitions in the Bible is “do not be afraid” or “fear not.”

Some of my favorites include:

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go” ~Joshua 1:9

“Do not be afraid, for I am with you.” ~Isaiah 43:5

“’Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,’ declares the LORD.” ~Jeremiah 1:8

“But Jesus immediately said to them: ‘Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.’” ~Matthew 14:27

When I was younger, I was dancer. I remember my instructor would have us fix our eyes on one point in the room whenever we were practicing pirouettes or spinning through a jazz routine. Later, I learned the same principle when I practiced yoga. I was much stronger to hold a pose and balance if I could fix my eyes on one point. I could not even for a second glance around the room, comparing myself to others or even to look in the mirror. I had to steady my eyes on that one point and breathe.

The same is true in my present circumstances. *Updated* On September 9th, 2014, four weeks after this article was published here, my husband made an Olympic-sized long jump into the arms of Jesus. He is free from pain and cancer and all the fears of this life. As I raise my three daughters without him, the road often feels difficult. I have to simply put one foot in front of the other. I am learning to use my tools: to breathe deeply, lean into the grief and pain, to preach the gospel to myself and to fix my eyes on Jesus. I choose faith over fear.

Copyright: rashica / 123RF Stock Photo

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July 7, 2014 Categories: GeneralTagged: cancer, christian blog, christianity, dorina gilmore, faith, fear, god, gospel, hope, marriage

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Teresa Kelly Evans says

    July 7, 2014 at 9:45 am

    Thank you, Dorina, for sharing your life and heart so openly and honestly. In this you’ve given women a place to identify, because we all have fears, and you’ve given some tangible tools that women can grab onto. God is glorified in you and in your story! Thanks again for sharing.

    Reply
    • Dorina Gilmore says

      December 24, 2014 at 6:22 am

      Thank you, Teresa, for meeting me here and sharing how you can relate. You are a huge encouragement to me. I hope He uses this truth in a personal way in your life too!

      Reply

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Meet Dorina

Aloha, friend! If you love stories, you are in the right place. I write about grief, glory, running, food, and more. I hope these words inspire you to chase after God’s glory in your life today!

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🥳 It’s podcast day!!! 🎧 Walk Run Soar is a podcast about the intersection of faith and running. We help runners and walkers who lack purpose ...

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🥳 It’s podcast day!!! 🎧 Walk Run Soar is a podcast about the intersection of faith and running. We help runners and walkers who lack purpose with their exercise routine (or lack of routine) and long to experience God in a more meaningful way while they walk or run.  👉🏽In this episode, we interviewed Latasha Ferguson, who is a speaker, writer, podcaster (Overcome to Become Podcast), and ministry leader. We love her challenge to partner with God on our health and wholeness journeys.  We chatted about: 
👉🏽 how running helped her overcome adversity
👉🏽modeling a healthy lifestyle for her four daughters
👉🏽 how to get started if you’re a newbie
.
🎧 Listen to Season 2, Episode 8 anywhere you listen to podcasts or on my YouTube channel. 📺 Links in profile.
.
#podcast #faithpodcaster #runningmotivation #runningpodcast #running #runnersofinstagram #christianrunnersofinstagram #walkrunsoar #overcomer @latashamferguson #podcastingparty #entrustedwomen #5krun #medalmonday #motherrunner #runlikeagirl #womenrunning
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🏃🏽‍♀️In the Oscar-winning movie Chariots of Fire, Olympian Eric Liddell is quoted: “When I run, I feel His pleasure.”
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🥇 ...

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Mar 1

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🏃🏽‍♀️In the Oscar-winning movie Chariots of Fire, Olympian Eric Liddell is quoted: “When I run, I feel His pleasure.”
.
🥇 Eric won the gold medal in the 1924 Paris Olympics in the 400 meters. Eric understood that running was not for his personal glory and to win medals. He felt God’s pleasure when he ran because he was doing what God designed him to do. He also was designed to become a missionary to China. {Read more of his story in my new book, Walk Run Soar and Episode 7 of the Walk Run Soar podcast!}
.
🏞 This weekend I felt God’s pleasure running with my people.  My friends and family completed The Diamond 10K! My girls ran the Kids Race, and I completed the Double Diamond Challenge. That was one 10k on our neighborhood Clovis Trail and one 10k on the stunning Winchell Cove Trail at Millerton Lake. We created our own finish line and my parents met us with our medals and water. Oh, and a homemade waffle and bacon breakfast to boot! 
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💎 So many races have been canceled in the last year. It was truly a joy to run! A huge shout out to Endure Jewelry & Sunny Arada for planning an awesome virtual race with the best swag! 
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#walkrunsoar #gilmoreyoungadventures @RunEndure @EndureJewelry #walkrunsoar #christianrunners #runningmotivation #TheDiamond10K #DoubleDiamond #runnersofinstagram #sanjoaquinrunning @fleetfeetfresno #runningismytherapy #runninglife #diversewerun #runlikeamother
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“Being brave, for me, means not giving up on the things that make me feel alive.” - Gabe Grubewald, 2014, USA indoor track-and-field champion in ...

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Feb 28

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“Being brave, for me, means not giving up on the things that make me feel alive.” - Gabe Grubewald, 2014, USA indoor track-and-field champion in the 3,000 meters
.
💎💎This week I ran the Double Diamond Challenge, which was two 10ks! This is my favorite time of the year to run in Central California. The air is fresh and cool. The hills are verdant. The wildflowers are just beginning to twirl their skirts along the trails. The sky and water come together in a kind of blue slow dance. All glimpses of God’s glory! 🌸
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My friend Amber and I ran on the Winchell Cove Trail at Millerton Lake. Donning our sparkly silver Endure hats, we got in the miles and the soul care today. And this is what makes me feel most alive! 🏃🏽‍♀️
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@RunEndure @EndureJewelry #walkrunsoar #trailrunning #thehillsarealive #runningmotivation #TheDiamond10K #DoubleDiamond #runnersofinstagram #christianrunners #christianrunnersofinstagram #runningtherapy #soulcare #sanjoaquinrunning #fresno #runlikeagirl #diversewerun #womenrunning @blodge.girl_goes_outdoors @kymruns @spunkysole #sharetherun @fleetfeetsports @saucony @fleetfeetfresno #contest
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📖 Do you struggle with studying God’s Word? It’s a challenge for most women, and all the crazy of 2020-2021 hasn’t made it any easier! ...

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📖 Do you struggle with studying God’s Word? It’s a challenge for most women, and all the crazy of 2020-2021 hasn’t made it any easier! 🤷🏽‍♀️
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First, my friend, know this: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 😘 So many women are struggling to find space for focused time in Bible study and prayer during this crazy time. But, DON’T LET THAT BE AN EXCUSE!
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Second, I have a way to help! I would LOVE for you to join us for Online Women’s Bible Study. It’s a cool site designed just for you! Every week new teaching sessions from some of my very favorite teachers will be released to you. 
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🌸This spring the theme is “More Than Ordinary” and how God calls ordinary people to live More Than Ordinary lives! I will be teaching a session on Ruth, and I can’t wait to share it with you! 🌸 Plus, OWBS has many opportunities that will help grow your faith, and connect you with others in the process! 💖
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Does this sound like the reset that you need?
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👉🏽Head over here to grow and connect:
https://www.onlinewomensbiblestudy.com/a/30364/z2aSX6sm or head to the link in my profile! 
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#biblestudy #ruth #onlinewomensbiblestudy #womensgroup #womenoftheword #bible #scripture @onlinewomensbiblestudy @beckykiser #biblereading #biblestudytime #godsword #communityovercompetition #christianwomen #smallgroup @vivmabuni @kianstephens @karakae.james @insideoutwithcourtnaye
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All winter
she waited,
wondered,
rested
until one day
in the deep soil of anticipation
and grief
she felt the ground
...

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All winter
she waited, 
wondered,
rested
until one day
in the deep soil of anticipation
and grief
she felt the ground
around her warming.
She felt her strength rising,
pushing through the
transition.
The pain was acute there,
but the shadow lifted.
And now, fully-rooted,
well-nourished
she extended her arms
in abandon toward the light.
She burst through hardened earth
– a flash of color –
her petals singing Spring! 🌸 
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👉🏽Friend, are you in a winter of waiting? Let your waiting be purposeful. Take time to reflect. Give yourself permission to feel deeply and grieve the past. Live expectant of the resurrection to come.
.
🌸Read my full article on “How To Wait Through The Winter Of Grief” on my blog at www.DorinaGilmore.com.🌸
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#womenoftheword #spring #writersofinstagram #authorsofinstagram #flowers #waiting #christianrunners #flourishingtogether
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