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Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young

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Standing at the Intersection of Fear and Faith

I was standing in the middle of the community garden for a “serve day” with my daughter’s second grade class when I received the phone call. I hardly remember what my husband said but I remember I stopped breathing. Results of biopsy. Melanoma in the lymph nodes. My healthy, athletic husband had cancer. At 40.

I stood there frozen, somewhere between the corn and the kale, holding a diaper bag and several water bottles for the kids on the field trip. What should I do? Text our family? Call our life group? Cry? Sink into a heap in the dirt? Scream? Pray? Leave the kids and go to my man? My head was swirling but I was stress paralyzed. Couldn’t move. The fear started to suffocate me.

In the days that followed, my mind could only imagine the worst. I spent my days weeping, imagining myself a widow raising our three daughters on my own. I envisioned my CrossFit husband in a hospital bed, writhing in pain. Every song on the radio, every commercial, every meal was a trigger for me. My mind would race to the worst-case scenarios, my worst fears somehow coming true.

Fear is something I have struggled with most of my adult life. I have had many experiences where I have been forced to battle fear. In college, I was assaulted on the way to class one day. In the days and months and years to follow, I had to daily battle the fear of being attacked again. When you have experienced physical violence, many things trigger that feeling of fear. Someone simply walking behind me, a public restroom, a television show depicting violence sent me into anxiety attacks. Through Christian counseling and Bible study, I learned to cope, how to discipline my mind and breathe through those triggers, but it took years of practice. And the triggers do not necessarily go away.

In my young twenties, my fiancé and I moved to California from Chicago. I was planning a wedding, and starting my dream job as a features reporter for the newspaper. One day I came home from work to a note from my fiancé. He was leaving and he couldn’t go through with the wedding. For years after that, I struggled with fear of being abandoned. My romantic relationships so often felt like they were about convincing someone to stay with me, willing them not to leave me.

Several years later after I was happily married to a man who far surpassed my fairy tale dreams, I landed an exciting book deal. I worked tirelessly for a year – interviewing, researching, writing – with little feedback from my editor. When I finally turned in the manuscript, she basically said she didn’t like it, and I needed to start over. I was devastated. Paralyzed again to move forward. The fear of failure seeped deep into my soul.

I am a strong believer that God does not intend any journey to be wasted. Through my own battles with fear, I have gained some weapons, some tools to use in the future and share with others.

“God does not intend any journey to be wasted.” – DorinaGilmore

I have learned that just like in labor we have to breathe through the contractions, the triggers, the difficult circumstances. My natural reaction is to tense my muscles and hold my breath through pain. My midwife told me when I was birthing my second baby girl that if I held my breath the contractions would hurt even more. I needed deep, long, measured breaths to carry me through the pain. She was right. Somehow leaning into the pain, breathing deeply, helped me access that strength I needed through the Holy Spirit.

I have also learned to preach the gospel to myself, to bathe myself in grace. A mentor of mine encouraged me years ago to make a little notebook of scriptures to read when I was fearful or anxious. I carry them in my purse, attach them to the gear shift in my car, leave them near my nightstand. I read these truths over and over, sometimes memorizing the words if I can. These meditations lift me out of the mental battle, the worst-case scenario fears.

About three years ago, a friend gave me the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. This book changed my life as I learned about the power of gratitude. Ann taught me the discipline of counting gifts. I realized that each day – no matter how blissful or tiring or terrible – is filled with gifts, specific reminders that our Father loves us. These past three years, I have been listing these daily gifts. Ann writes, “This living a lifestyle of intentional gratitude became an unintentional test in the trustworthiness of God – and in counting blessings I stumbled upon the way out of fear.”  The discipline of daily thanksgiving has given me new eyes to see past the fear and even embrace life’s hardest offerings as gifts.

I believe every battle with fear puts us at an intersection. We have to choose fear or faith. It’s no coincidence that one of the most common admonitions in the Bible is “do not be afraid” or “fear not.”

Some of my favorites include:

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go” ~Joshua 1:9

“Do not be afraid, for I am with you.” ~Isaiah 43:5

“’Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,’ declares the LORD.” ~Jeremiah 1:8

“But Jesus immediately said to them: ‘Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.’” ~Matthew 14:27

When I was younger, I was dancer. I remember my instructor would have us fix our eyes on one point in the room whenever we were practicing pirouettes or spinning through a jazz routine. Later, I learned the same principle when I practiced yoga. I was much stronger to hold a pose and balance if I could fix my eyes on one point. I could not even for a second glance around the room, comparing myself to others or even to look in the mirror. I had to steady my eyes on that one point and breathe.

The same is true in my present circumstances. *Updated* On September 9th, 2014, four weeks after this article was published here, my husband made an Olympic-sized long jump into the arms of Jesus. He is free from pain and cancer and all the fears of this life. As I raise my three daughters without him, the road often feels difficult. I have to simply put one foot in front of the other. I am learning to use my tools: to breathe deeply, lean into the grief and pain, to preach the gospel to myself and to fix my eyes on Jesus. I choose faith over fear.

Copyright: rashica / 123RF Stock Photo

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July 7, 2014 Categories: GeneralTagged: cancer, christian blog, christianity, dorina gilmore, faith, fear, god, gospel, hope, marriage

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Teresa Kelly Evans says

    July 7, 2014 at 9:45 am

    Thank you, Dorina, for sharing your life and heart so openly and honestly. In this you’ve given women a place to identify, because we all have fears, and you’ve given some tangible tools that women can grab onto. God is glorified in you and in your story! Thanks again for sharing.

    Reply
    • Dorina Gilmore says

      December 24, 2014 at 6:22 am

      Thank you, Teresa, for meeting me here and sharing how you can relate. You are a huge encouragement to me. I hope He uses this truth in a personal way in your life too!

      Reply

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Meet Dorina

Aloha, friend! If you love stories, you are in the right place. I write about grief, glory, running, food, and more. I hope these words inspire you to chase after God’s glory in your life today!

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Before Footer

After my husband soared to Heaven eight years ago, my three daughters and I found ourselves on an intense grief journey. I never imagined being a widow at age 37 when my girls were just 2, 5, and 8 years old. Despite the heaviness of grief, I knew God was near. And I longed for my daughters to experience His comforting presence too. That’s how we started chasing God’s glory together.

We started with a nightly rhythm of watching the sunset together. We would step out onto our back patio or pull over on the side of the road and pause to watch the colors waltzing across the sky.

Initially, my girls asked, “Mama, why do we watch the sunset? It happens every night.” But soon they discovered that every sunset was unique. Little by little, this rhythm became something we looked forward to. There was something calming and comforting for the girls and me as we watched God paint the sky each night. Our Creator God, the Master Artist, met us in the brush strokes of sparkling gold and emerald green. The girls would point out the ribbons of ruby red and deep amethyst sashaying across the sapphire blue sky. We would smile and delight at the jewel-toned colors. We felt like it was a kiss from their daddy in Heaven.

My daughters are teenagers now, but they still love to chase sunsets and tell me about the ways God showed up in their days. They text me photos or pull me out to the balcony to watch His glory chasing across the sky.

I have learned we can plant seeds of hope and faith in our kids when we go glory hunting together.

Read the full article on @herviewfromhome here: https://herviewfromhome.com/widow-at-37-gods-grace/

#chasingGodsglory #sunsetchaser #glorychasers @waterbrookmultnomahkids #sunset #parenting #gloryhunter

View

Jun 7

Open
After my husband soared to Heaven eight years ago, my three daughters and I found ourselves on an intense grief journey. I never imagined being a widow at age 37 when my girls were just 2, 5, and 8 years old. Despite the heaviness of grief, I knew God was near. And I longed for my daughters to experience His comforting presence too. That’s how we started chasing God’s glory together.
We started with a nightly rhythm of watching the sunset together. We would step out onto our back patio or pull over on the side of the road and pause to watch the colors waltzing across the sky.
Initially, my girls asked, “Mama, why do we watch the sunset? It happens every night.” But soon they discovered that every sunset was unique. Little by little, this rhythm became something we looked forward to. There was something calming and comforting for the girls and me as we watched God paint the sky each night. Our Creator God, the Master Artist, met us in the brush strokes of sparkling gold and emerald green. The girls would point out the ribbons of ruby red and deep amethyst sashaying across the sapphire blue sky. We would smile and delight at the jewel-toned colors. We felt like it was a kiss from their daddy in Heaven. 
My daughters are teenagers now, but they still love to chase sunsets and tell me about the ways God showed up in their days. They text me photos or pull me out to the balcony to watch His glory chasing across the sky.
I have learned we can plant seeds of hope and faith in our kids when we go glory hunting together.
Read the full article on @herviewfromhome here: https://herviewfromhome.com/widow-at-37-gods-grace/
#chasingGodsglory #sunsetchaser #glorychasers @waterbrookmultnomahkids #sunset #parenting #gloryhunter
104 13

☀️ We cherished a day of celebrating our Giada’s 8th grade promotion in Disneyland yesterday! Her sisters rallied and saved money for their tickets. Instead of a party we took a family trip to the happiest place on earth! 😃 It was a surprisingly cool, overcast day!

In the younger days, I spent more time taking them to the bathroom and making sure everyone had a buddy for roses. Now I’m enjoying Disneyland with older kids who plan the trip, strategize which rides to go on and when. We ate some yummy treats, laughed a lot, played games in line, and made it to most of our faves!

@shawnyoungruns has definitely influenced our fam with his love for all things Disney! I am not sad about it. As for me, I’m in it for the Disney-themed food! 🥨 🍍 🍹 🍔 🍦My new fave is this pineapple churro with Cheema cheese dipping sauce. Woweee!

🏰 Are you a Disney fan? What’s your favorite park, ride, food, or show?!

#globalglorychasers #disneyland #disneyfoodie

View

Jun 7

Open
☀️ We cherished a day of celebrating our Giada’s 8th grade promotion in Disneyland yesterday! Her sisters rallied and saved money for their tickets. Instead of a party we took a family trip to the happiest place on earth! 😃 It was a surprisingly cool, overcast day! 
In the younger days, I spent more time taking them to the bathroom and making sure everyone had a buddy for roses. Now I’m enjoying Disneyland with older kids who plan the trip, strategize which rides to go on and when. We ate some yummy treats, laughed a lot, played games in line, and made it to most of our faves! 
@shawnyoungruns has definitely influenced our fam with his love for all things Disney! I am not sad about it. As for me, I’m in it for the Disney-themed food! 🥨 🍍 🍹 🍔 🍦My new fave is this pineapple churro with Cheema cheese dipping sauce. Woweee! 
🏰 Are you a Disney fan? What’s your favorite park, ride, food, or show?! 
#globalglorychasers #disneyland #disneyfoodie
88 4

Last night the six of us went to see the show SIX and to cheer on my talented childhood friend Valerie Maze who was the conductor/keyboardist. This was my birthday/Mother’s Day gift from my hubby, and it was so special!

What a phenomenal and engaging way to learn about history and the stories of the six wives of Henry VIII! The music, the lights, the voices, the dancing made for a truly unique and memorable show! The Pantages Theater in Los Angeles is also one of my favorites!

And the biggest treat of all was hanging out with @valerie.maze afterwards. We haven’t been together in YEARS! And this was the first time she met my Shawn and Meilani! #sixshow #broadwaymusical #globalglorychasers

View

Jun 4

Open
Last night the six of us went to see the show SIX and to cheer on my talented childhood friend Valerie Maze who was the conductor/keyboardist. This was my birthday/Mother’s Day gift from my hubby, and it was so special! 
What a phenomenal and engaging way to learn about history and the stories of the six wives of Henry VIII! The music, the lights, the voices, the dancing made for a truly unique and memorable show! The Pantages Theater in Los Angeles is also one of my favorites! 
And the biggest treat of all was hanging out with @valerie.maze afterwards. We haven’t been together in YEARS! And this was the first time she met my Shawn and Meilani! #sixshow #broadwaymusical #globalglorychasers
38 6

Hey friend, do you know about my weekly Glorygram? Every Saturday I gently drop this gift in your inbox, which includes an encouraging essay about chasing God`s glory, a monthly book giveaway, recommendations, recipes, and more.

Consider this like sitting down at my table for some homemade lumpia and a tall glass of mango lemonade. My heart is to share in community about what God is teaching us. You can hop over to DorinaGlorygram.Substack.com and read this week`s edition. Be sure to Subscribe while you`re there so you don`t miss a thing.

In this week`s Glorygram, I`m sharing a story about the power of asking questions and five sisters who asked a question that changed history. Don`t miss it!

#glory #encouragingwords #substack #glorychasers #hesed2023 #biblereading #bibleteacher #leadership #powerfulquestions

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Jun 3

Open
Hey friend, do you know about my weekly Glorygram? Every Saturday I gently drop this gift in your inbox, which includes an encouraging essay about chasing God's glory, a monthly book giveaway, recommendations, recipes, and more.
Consider this like sitting down at my table for some homemade lumpia and a tall glass of mango lemonade. My heart is to share in community about what God is teaching us. You can hop over to DorinaGlorygram.Substack.com and read this week's edition. Be sure to Subscribe while you're there so you don't miss a thing.
In this week's Glorygram, I'm sharing a story about the power of asking questions and five sisters who asked a question that changed history. Don't miss it!
#glory #encouragingwords #substack #glorychasers #hesed2023 #biblereading #bibleteacher #leadership #powerfulquestions
24 7

Join me for a stroll through the next psalm of ascent. Psalm 128 is a wisdom psalm that walks us through what it looks like to enjoy the blessings of the Lord. If we have the fear of the Lord and choose to walk with Him, we get to step into this abundance!

-What does walking with Him look like for you in this season?

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Jun 2

Open
Join me for a stroll through the next psalm of ascent. Psalm 128 is a wisdom psalm that walks us through what it looks like to enjoy the blessings of the Lord. If we have the fear of the Lord and choose to walk with Him, we get to step into this abundance!
-What does walking with Him look like for you in this season?
22 2
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