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Running therapy: how grief crashes like ocean waves

The ocean has always been my happy place. Ever since I was a little girl I have found refuge near the water’s edge. There’s something about the crash of the waves, the salty air tickling my tongue and the breathtaking sunsets that draws poetry out of me.

I have run over a diversity of terrains these last few years but Saturday was my first time running an actual race on the beach. I participated in the “Rock’n Around the Pier” Half Marathon from Morro Rock to Cayucos Pier. I found out this memorial run was started to honor runner and teacher Brian Waterbury who died of melanoma cancer in 2003. This same type of cancer stole my husband’s life in 2014.

This out-and-back trail run was quite literally on the hard-packed sand along the Pacific Ocean.

We rode a charter bus with about 35 friends from our Fresno running club, The Express. When we disembarked the bus, we were greeted by the misty, cool air of the Central Coast. This was a welcome contrast to the temperatures that have soared in the triple digits this month in the Central Valley. Fog seeped over the hills and spilled out over the ocean, creating an ethereal mood at the start of this race.

I generally run with my ear buds pumping a carefully-curated playlist of music but there was no need for music when all creation was singing to me. The waves, the wind, the birds. We weaved through kelp, crunched over sand dollars, avoided crabs and leapt rivulets of water.

“Make the race your playground, not your proving ground,” says Lauren Fleshman, a former American track and field athlete. This quote holds particular weight for me. Although I am competitive by nature and training, I have come to experience running as a kind of grief therapy.

When I am running, I feel free. I dig deep and God breathes healing.

My play was interrupted Saturday by two back-to-back phone calls. One from my mom, and one from my brother. I’m not in the habit of answering the phone when running but two phone calls from family alerted me that something might be wrong. My brother let me know that my uncle had died.

Just last week we received word that my 31-year-old cousin died of a heart attack in her sleep. My mom attended memorial services last month for her dear aunt, a close friend and a former student. Our family has experienced so much loss in such a short time.

Of course, these losses stand against a backdrop of losing my husband in 2014 to melanoma cancer. When you’ve experienced this depth of loss, any future losses tend to stir up old grief wounds.

A symphony of waves crashed at my side while waves of grief crashed anew in my heart. This was grief upon grief. It’s hard not to live in fear when grief stacks up. It’s hard not to let your mind wander to the next tragedy, to get beaten down by anticipation of the next death.

Then my feet hit the soft sand. I was running but getting nowhere fast. I found myself gasping for air – the anxiety rising up to choke me. My chest burned. The salty air stung my eyes. The tears started to come. I had to slow my steps to steady my breathing again.

In through the nose, out through the mouth. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale.

I felt like Moses and the Israelites standing in the darkness before the Red Sea. “…and the Lord drove the sea back by a strong east wind all night and made the sea dry land, and the waters were divided” (Exodus 14:21). God was working through my darkness to hold back this sea of grief. If He could harness the wind and these ocean waves, He could surely help me navigate these rough waters.

Then I saw my new husband Shawn. He had finished the race and returned looking for me. I felt the hope rising. I found the rhythm of my feet again. I strained and squinted for that arch that marked the finish. Shawn kept telling me it was there but I couldn’t make out the black letters through the mist.

I could see the Great Rock – Morro Rock – rising glorious and majestic before me, and I ran toward it. The words of the Psalmist were suddenly on my lips: “My rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken. On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God” (Psalms 62:6-7).

Are you being drowned by waves of grief? Are you squinting through the mist for a finish line? I encourage you to run toward the Rock. The waves of grief will come and go, ebb and flow, but the Rock will provide that refuge.

Finally, I saw it. I picked up the pace. I felt my strength and fight returning. My feet kicked to the next gear. I ran for the finish line. And just beyond towered the Rock.

**Are you navigating a grief journey? Could you use some words of encouragement? I’d love to add you to my Glorygram list, which includes a weekly dose of courage and recommendations. Read more about my Grief Journey here.

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July 17, 2017 Categories: RunningTagged: brave, courage, death, fear, finishing well, hope, struggle

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  1. When Friday Share Day Happens on a Saturday says:
    July 23, 2017 at 12:24 am

    […] running is not my jam, I easily related to Dorina Lazo Gilmore’s essay Running Therapy: How Grief Crashes Like Ocean Waves.  Dorina’s words helped me make sense of the way I (inwardly) reacted the way I did when […]

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Meet Dorina

Aloha, friend! If you love stories, you are in the right place. I write about grief, glory, running, food, and more. I hope these words inspire you to chase after God’s glory in your life today!

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🥳 I’m so excited to chat with children’s book illustrator Lynnor Bontigao on my Global Glory Chasers broadcast tomorrow about writing and illustrating children’s books.

Lynnor Bontigao stapled her first illustrated story at the age of 10 in the Philippines. She has a Bachelor’s degree in Visual Communication. In college, she joined Ang InK, a children’s illustrator group where she fell in love with children’s books. She worked as a graphic designer before moving to the US in 1996. In the US, she studied programming and became a Programmer Analyst for a major financial firm in NYC for 15 years and went back to her first love, art.

She is the author-illustrator of SARI-SARI SUMMERS, her debut picture book with Candlewick Press. She is also the illustrator of THE WORLD`S BEST CLASS PLANT written by award-winning authors Liz Garton Scanlon & Audrey Vernick, as well as YOU ARE REVOLUTIONARY by Cindy Wang Brandt of the popular podcast, Parenting Forward.

Lynnor is a member of the Society of Children`s Book Writers and Illustrators and the winner of the 2020 SCBWI Tomie dePaola Professional Development Award, the 2020 Kweli/SCBWI Emerging Voice Award, and the 2021 Kweli Sing the Truth! Mentorship. Lynnor was also September 2021 SCBWI Featured Illustrator. She loves stories where family relationships, culture, and food are intertwined. Lynnor Bontigao lives in Roselle Park, NJ with her family and 1 tiny dog.

🎤 Join us at 1 pm PT | 4 pm ET right here on IGlive! We will also be sharing about our coming children’s book, Kailani’s Gift! Tag a friend who might enjoy this broadcast too!

#kidlit #globalglorychasers #filipino #filipina @waterbrookmultnomahkids #multicultural #representationmatters #childrensauthor #childrensauthorsofinstagram #childrensauthor

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Mar 29

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🥳 I’m so excited to chat with children’s book illustrator  Lynnor Bontigao on my Global Glory Chasers broadcast tomorrow about writing and illustrating children’s books. 
Lynnor Bontigao stapled her first illustrated story at the age of 10 in the Philippines. She has a Bachelor’s degree in Visual Communication. In college, she joined Ang InK, a children’s illustrator group where she fell in love with children’s books. She worked as a graphic designer before moving to the US in 1996. In the US, she studied programming and became a Programmer Analyst for a major financial firm in NYC for 15 years and went back to her first love, art. 
She is the author-illustrator of SARI-SARI SUMMERS, her debut picture book with Candlewick Press. She is also the illustrator of THE WORLD'S BEST CLASS PLANT written by award-winning authors Liz Garton Scanlon & Audrey Vernick, as well as YOU ARE REVOLUTIONARY by Cindy Wang Brandt of the popular podcast, Parenting Forward.
Lynnor is a member of the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators and the winner of the 2020 SCBWI Tomie dePaola Professional Development Award, the 2020 Kweli/SCBWI Emerging Voice Award, and the 2021 Kweli Sing the Truth! Mentorship. Lynnor was also September 2021 SCBWI Featured Illustrator. She loves stories where family relationships, culture, and food are intertwined. Lynnor Bontigao lives in Roselle Park, NJ with her family and 1 tiny dog.
🎤 Join us at 1 pm PT | 4 pm ET right here on IGlive! We will also be sharing about our coming children’s book, Kailani’s Gift! Tag a friend who might enjoy this broadcast too! 
#kidlit #globalglorychasers #filipino #filipina @waterbrookmultnomahkids #multicultural #representationmatters #childrensauthor #childrensauthorsofinstagram #childrensauthor
31 1

📚Did you know pre-orders are a big deal for launching books?! When people pre-order, it helps retailers like Amazon and even smaller bookstores know that this book is worth stocking and sharing.

👉🏾Pre-order my new children’s book, Chasing God’s Glory, through one of your fave retailers and get access to exclusive content we’ve created just for you!

As part of your pre-order bonuses, you’ll receive:

🖍️Glory Chasing Family Activity Pack that’s filled with scavenger hunts, coloring crafts, a pineapple empanada recipe, and more fun for the entire family

🌎 Free access to a Global Glory Chasers Course on Brownicity (one country of your choice)

✍🏾 Dorina’s Glorygram with weekly encouragement, recipes, resources and fun giveaways

Hop over here for details: https://dorinagilmore.com/chasing-gods-glory/

🚀 If you want to join my launch team and share about the book, I can send you a sneak peek digital copy! DM me or respond here! Grateful!

#booklaunch #kidlit #authorsofinstagram #authorssupportingauthors #writersofinstagram #hopewriterlife @redbudwriters #picturebook #readingwithkids

View

Mar 28

Open
📚Did you know pre-orders are a big deal for launching books?! When people pre-order, it helps retailers like Amazon and even smaller bookstores know that this book is worth stocking and sharing. 
👉🏾Pre-order my new children’s book, Chasing God’s Glory, through one of your fave retailers and get access to exclusive content we’ve created just for you!
As part of your pre-order bonuses, you’ll receive:
🖍️Glory Chasing Family Activity Pack that’s filled with scavenger hunts, coloring crafts, a pineapple empanada recipe, and more fun for the entire family
🌎 Free access to a Global Glory Chasers Course on Brownicity (one country of your choice)
✍🏾 Dorina’s Glorygram with weekly encouragement, recipes, resources and fun giveaways
Hop over here for details: https://dorinagilmore.com/chasing-gods-glory/
🚀 If you want to join my launch team and share about the book, I can send you a sneak peek digital copy! DM me or respond here! Grateful! 
#booklaunch #kidlit #authorsofinstagram #authorssupportingauthors #writersofinstagram #hopewriterlife @redbudwriters #picturebook #readingwithkids
56 7

🥳I just had to share this moment with you! It’s my first first time holding my book in my hands… Here’s a sneak peek inside Chasing God’s Glory, which releases on April 11! Three. More. Weeks!

🌅Pre-order your copy at your favorite retailer, grab the pre-order bonus Family Activity Pack, and learn more at https://dorinagilmore.com/chasing-gods-glory/ 🚴

View

Mar 27

Open
🥳I just had to share this moment with you! It’s my first first time holding my book in my hands… Here’s a sneak peek inside Chasing God’s Glory, which releases on April 11! Three. More. Weeks!
🌅Pre-order your copy at your favorite retailer, grab the pre-order bonus Family Activity Pack, and learn more at https://dorinagilmore.com/chasing-gods-glory/ 🚴
152 60

Weekends are for glory chasing…

#glorychasers #chasinggodsglory #walkrunsoar #trailrunning

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Mar 27

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Weekends are for glory chasing…
#glorychasers #chasinggodsglory #walkrunsoar #trailrunning
30 2

Come learn more about how to chase God`s glory through our everyday world and my new children`s book on the @incourage podcast today! I`m chatting with Community Manager @beckykeife about the story behind the book and why I`m so passionate about leading others to experience God`s glory.

The (in)courage podcast is brought to you by DaySpring. For over 50 years, DaySpring has created quality cards, books, and gifts that help you live your faith. Find out more at DaySpring.com.

Listen in anywhere you find your podcasts!

#podcast #podcasts #podcaster #podcasting #podcastlife #podcastersofinstagram #faithpodcast #kidlit #kidlitauthor

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Mar 25

Open
Come learn more about how to chase God's glory through our everyday world and my new children's book on the @incourage podcast today! I'm chatting with Community Manager @beckykeife about the story behind the book and why I'm so passionate about leading others to experience God's glory.
The (in)courage podcast is brought to you by DaySpring. For over 50 years, DaySpring has created quality cards, books, and gifts that help you live your faith. Find out more at DaySpring.com.
Listen in anywhere you find your podcasts! 
#podcast #podcasts #podcaster #podcasting #podcastlife #podcastersofinstagram #faithpodcast #kidlit #kidlitauthor
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