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Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young

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Permission to Grieve

One year ago today my beloved husband made a giant leap into Heaven. Light streamed wildly through the blinds of our bedroom window. His hazel eyes moved toward the light. He saw something none of us could see. He clapped his hands together in his signature way, and left his broken body behind for a new one in Glory.

When I spoke my wedding vows, I never dreamed those words – “in sickness and health until death do us part” – would mean burying him 11 years later. I imagined babies and ministry and challenges and adventure awaited us.

I never imagined the word cancer would one day separate us.

I never dreamed I would kneel by his grave when my girls were still so young, and we would all have to whisper our goodbyes.

This is a story I never would have written for myself. Never.

I have written a lot this year about this unpredictable road trip called grief. I keep trying to write about other topics. I keep longing for a different story. I see happy family pictures on Instagram and celebrations of wedding anniversaries on Facebook, and it still stings. I walk into our favorite grocery store or a party with my kids, and his absence looms large. My heart aches for what was and what my girls will face in this life without their daddy.

Give Yourself Permission

Maybe you haven’t lost a spouse but you have experienced loss in another way. Maybe you have lost a child or buried a brother. Maybe you have left a job or a church. Maybe you have experienced a miscarriage or struggled through infertility. Maybe you have been hurt by a family member or a close friend. Maybe your marriage is broken or you have endured some other medical trauma. This is for you.

Give yourself permission to grieve.

Too often in our culture I believe we get obsessed with getting over it. We are afraid to pause and give ourselves space to lament the hard things. We stuff down our emotions. We are too eager to avoid the memories and get on to the next thing.

I love the Psalms because David gives us a beautiful model for lament. He is not afraid to cry and question. Psalm 13:1-2 says, “O LORD, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day?” (NLT) This Psalm of lament concludes, “I will sing to the LORD because he is good to me” (verse 6). David expresses his pain, but he still recognizes God’s goodness.

After my husband died, I started saying no to a lot of commitments, a lot of invitations. I stepped down from most of my ministry and leadership roles so I had margin to grieve. I knew this was an important part of caring for myself and creating necessary space for my three daughters to grieve the loss of their daddy.

Every Grief Journey Is Unique

If you or someone you love is grieving, know this: every journey is unique. Cover yourself or that loved one with a blanket of grace. Be patient. Grief is like a tangled ball of yarn. We must unravel it in our own time. It’s not linear. No step by step plan, no stage of grief, no support group will make it all better. Sometimes what we really need is permission.

I need permission to travel, to attend my girls’ soccer games, to order dinner, to stay up late reading. I need friends to sit with me and weep after that one movie. I need people to hug me and say they don’t know what to say. I need permission to sing, to run, to write, to eat, and to cry. I need permission to lean into the hard memories and forge new ones with my girls.

I need permission to experience grief my way – not at all the ways my mama or mother-in-law or best friend or that other widow grieved. My grief is personal and different, and yours will be too.

Grieving With Hope

I have always loved the story of Ruth. She takes refuge under the wings of God (Ruth 2:12), and He provides miraculously for her. When her husband dies, she remains loyal to her mother-in-law and accompanies her to a new home. She breaks loose from the chains of poverty by humbly asking permission to glean extra grain from the fields that were already harvested. Through her hard work and integrity, she gains not just food but also the attention of Boaz.

It’s a story of redemption. A story of beauty from ashes. An unexpected love story.

Not by accident I found myself back in the book of Ruth last fall when I was learning to navigate my own grief. Although I had studied the book before, it gained new meaning for me as a widow.

As I read the story with fresh eyes, I discovered something distinct: Ruth grieves with hope. She believes she has a future. She takes a risk to uncover God’s plan for that future. I began to pray that God would help me to live like Ruth.

Hope is what sets us apart as believers. My grief is different from someone who does not have faith because I grieve with hope. I grieve believing I will see my Ericlee in the future. When my 3-year-old cries for her daddy at night, I tell her we will hug him again one day in Heaven. If we commit our lives to following Jesus Christ and share Him with others, we will get to spend all eternity with our people. Our separation from loved ones on earth through death will only be temporary.

I challenge you with these questions: Do you need to give yourself permission to grieve? How can you create margin to remember? Do you grieve with hope?

Our God Redeems

After a year, I have learned to embrace my story. I am reminded that no journey is meant to be wasted. I have pressed in with trembling lips like Moses in Exodus 33:18 who whispered to God: “Show me your Glory.”

Every. Single. Day. He has.

A year ago today I was planning a funeral. Today – by God’s wild grace and glory – I am planning a wedding. As I was grieving this year, my God was weaving together a new love story for me. He was unfolding a plan to bring my own Boaz.

Shawn Ericlee Dorina - engagement party
Shawn hugging Ericlee and Dorina at their engagement party (2002)

Shawn and I met 15 years ago on the same mission trip to Haiti where I became close friends with Ericlee. Our goal for that trip was to put on a track and field camp for Haitian kids who lived in rural Haiti. Yet, God had much bigger plans than I could imagine.

Shawn was my prayer partner. He was my teammate as we taught the kids how to jump hurdles. We laughed together as we struggled through the language barrier. My mother-in-law adopted Shawn as her honorary second son on that trip.

Shawn was instrumental in bringing Ericlee and me together. He was a groomsman in our wedding. He celebrated the births of our children with us. He supported our non-profit in Haiti both prayerfully and financially through the years.

While we were serving in Haiti and living in California, Shawn lived in Maryland for 9 years. During that time, God grew his heart for justice – for widows, orphans, refugees and the poor. God was calling him to take bigger and bigger steps of faith. In November, he took a big step of faith leaving a great job and community to move back to California to be closer to his widowed mother and family. That obedience to God’s prompting brought us together.

Shawn - San Antonio wedding
Dorina and Shawn (2015)

Shawn has grieved with me. He has taken time to pray with me. In these months, he has leaned into the memories of Ericlee with our family and loved on my girls when they were longing for their daddy. Like Boaz did with his Ruth, Shawn answered a surprising call God had on his life to marry me and make us his family. He is my kinsman-redeemer, bringing surprising new value to our life and hope to our future.

I return to the words of David in Psalm 30:11-12, “You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!”

On January 16, 2016, there will be a wedding. And there will be dancing. Oh, there will be glory dancing in Heaven and on earth!

 

**Are you struggling through a grief journey? Do you know someone who is? Sign up for my weekly note of encouragement here. I also have a FREE resource on “Navigating grief with kids” that you will get delivered to your inbox when you sign up.

Image Credit: Mike McCune, Creative Commons

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September 8, 2015 Categories: Navigating GriefTagged: christian blog, christianity, dorina lazo gilmore, Grief, hope, inspirational, Permission to Grieve

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Cori Schmidt says

    September 8, 2015 at 10:59 pm

    Oh, friend! What a glory story! So proud of you for leaning in!

    Reply
    • Dorina Gilmore says

      October 6, 2015 at 6:58 am

      Thank you for walking with me through the hardest days of leaning in. I’m so grateful for you!

      Reply
  2. Karen Byrne Konik says

    September 8, 2015 at 11:06 pm

    God tells the most beautiful love stories! “…Heaven and Earth are full of YOUR Glory. Hosanna in the Highest…”

    Reply
    • Dorina Gilmore says

      October 6, 2015 at 6:58 am

      Indeed. His version is better than fiction! 😉

      Reply
  3. Marina Martinez says

    September 8, 2015 at 11:18 pm

    God uses you as an example of a warrior, a woman of God which has hope, and is not afraid of what the future will bring.
    You have lift my spirit many times, I clean my tears of sadness when you tell us your story.makes me realize there is hope. Every journey is different like you said but when someone else show you their journey you realize that there’s so much to learn and believe in God and have faith in him …..
    Thank you

    Reply
    • Dorina Gilmore says

      October 6, 2015 at 6:58 am

      Marina, I’m so blessed to hear that God has used these words to encourage you. It’s His Glory story!

      Reply
  4. Allison Spaulding Vasquez says

    September 8, 2015 at 11:26 pm

    Thank you for this.

    Reply
    • Dorina Gilmore says

      October 6, 2015 at 6:57 am

      Thank you for journeying with me, my friend!

      Reply
  5. Carmen North says

    December 4, 2015 at 7:45 am

    Dorina- thank you for opening the raw pain and joys to us. I lost my husband June 2014. It’s been a long journey. 40 years and 2 kids, now what? I grieved with hope for the after life but didn’t really look for forward to life on earth. I will study the book of Ruth now that I’m a widpw i may see a new hope that I didn’t before. I’ve tried very hard lately to focus on hope on earth again. Whether that be love or freedom from a weight I may carry. I’m friends with Rachel T. I’ve seen your story through her Liles and comments and it’s touched me. She texted me the link to this today. I really appreciate it.

    Reply
  6. Connie Cooper says

    December 4, 2015 at 4:32 pm

    Dorina, you have such a great story to tell that truly gives hope to us all and teaches us to not forget to lean on God. I am looking forward to your Chasing Glory study in the spring. We all have things to grieve and we have all learned these things have their way of showing up when we least expect it. We will be strong for each other.

    Reply
  7. Jane Foard Thompson says

    December 5, 2015 at 4:14 am

    My heart echoed so many of your well chosen words, Dorina. A single tear ran down my cheek as layers of grief, large and small, untangled from my chest. Thank you.

    Reply
  8. Rebecca says

    September 12, 2017 at 5:18 pm

    Hi Dorian. My name is Rebecca and I recently lost my mom whom I was extremely close to. It’s been hard for me to accept the fact that she is gone. I read your post permission to grieve and I can totally relate thank you for sharing your story so that people like me can understand that grieving is a process that can’t be rushed.

    Reply
    • Dorina Gilmore says

      September 13, 2017 at 4:46 pm

      I’m so glad you found my blog, Rebecca. I hope you will find other articles here that encourage you. I hope to serve people who are on a journey like yours and need to read stories from others on the path.

      Reply
  9. Patricia Walsh says

    September 11, 2021 at 3:20 pm

    Inspiring words and words from others are great

    Reply
  10. Denise says

    July 13, 2023 at 5:21 pm

    God writes the best love stories, and they are non-fiction adventures. Thank you for sharing your tender story.

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Shawn + Dorina {Engaged} says:
    September 17, 2015 at 12:26 pm

    […] http://www.selftalkthegospel.com/permission-to-grieve/ […]

    Reply
  2. Dorina + Shawn Married says:
    January 28, 2016 at 10:49 am

    […] familiar with Dorina and Shawn’s story, you can read a little more about their journey here. When you are around these two, it’s so clear that they are living for God’s glory. Not […]

    Reply
  3. How to Talk to Your Kids About Death says:
    November 29, 2017 at 3:27 pm

    […] want to first acknowledge that every grief journey is unique. It’s important to be attentive to individual needs and personalities. Everything I have learned […]

    Reply
  4. 5 Tips on How to Talk to Kids about Death - Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young says:
    May 5, 2020 at 5:22 am

    […] want to first acknowledge that every grief journey is unique. It’s important to be attentive to individual needs and personalities. Everything I have learned […]

    Reply
  5. My Homepage says:
    November 15, 2021 at 8:03 pm

    … [Trackback]

    […] Read More here: dorinagilmore.com/permission-to-grieve/ […]

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Meet Dorina

Aloha, friend! If you love stories, you are in the right place. I write about grief, glory, running, food, and more. I hope these words inspire you to chase after God’s glory in your life today!

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Woke up at the crack of dawn to go on a photography adventure with my middle girl. The Clovis Fest Hot Air Balloon Show did not disappoint! 🎈Hope floats.

🫶🏾Hop over to @thefeatheronline to see Giada’s first photo post for the student newspaper!

@old_town_clovis #clovis #hotairballoonfestival @clovischamber

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Sep 24

Open
Woke up at the crack of dawn to go on a photography adventure with my middle girl. The Clovis Fest Hot Air Balloon Show did not disappoint! 🎈Hope floats.
🫶🏾Hop over to @thefeatheronline to see Giada’s first photo post for the student newspaper!
@old_town_clovis #clovis #hotairballoonfestival @clovischamber
78 4

📣Today we celebrated the launch of our new web site with the @thefeatheronline newspaper staff! I’m so proud of these students! What a joy to step into a new role this year as a writing coach and to partner with @korijamesphoto to equip these young journalists!

My @meilanigilmore is the new Arts & Entertainment Editor and Giada joined the photojournalist staff! Also, good celebration always involves good eats! Hop over to www.TheFeather.com or download our app through Student News Source and check out their work! 🎉 #studentjournalism @fresnochristianschools

View

Sep 23

Open
📣Today we celebrated the launch of our new web site with the @thefeatheronline newspaper staff! I’m so proud of these students! What a joy to step into a new role this year as a writing coach and to partner with @korijamesphoto to equip these young journalists! 
My @meilanigilmore is the new Arts & Entertainment Editor and Giada joined the photojournalist staff! Also, good celebration always involves good eats! Hop over to www.TheFeather.com or download our app through Student News Source and check out their work! 🎉 #studentjournalism @fresnochristianschools
29 0

Join me as I walk through Psalm 140 today! This psalm comes from the pen of David, who is crying out for deliverance. He appeals to God who is full of mercy and justice.❤️‍🩹

🫶🏾Friend, do you need someone to guard you today? Are you feeling hunted, tempted, discouraged? Drop an emoji below so I can pray for you. And go read Psalm 140!

📝Hop over to DorinaGilmore.com to sign up for my Glorygram and enter for a copy of Pilgrim by Ruth Chou Simons.

#devotional #prayer #biblestudy #psalm #david #deliverer

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Sep 22

Open
Join me as I walk through Psalm 140 today! This psalm comes from the pen of David, who is crying out for deliverance. He appeals to God who is full of mercy and justice.❤️‍🩹
🫶🏾Friend, do you need someone to guard you today? Are you feeling hunted, tempted, discouraged? Drop an emoji below so I can pray for you. And go read Psalm 140! 
📝Hop over to DorinaGilmore.com to sign up for my Glorygram and enter for a copy of Pilgrim by Ruth Chou Simons. 
#devotional #prayer #biblestudy #psalm #david #deliverer
23 3

My heart is full after a week of teaching, preaching, and listening to the stories of the beautiful women of my church. We are going through a study called Foundations written by our pastor @bell_brad

I got to teach on this week’s theme, “Sharing Your Story,” and illuminated the powerful testimonies of three women in the Bible who met Jesus, were transformed by His love, and then were sent out to share their stories.

In our small group time, women were invited to share their 3-minute stories around the tables. There were lots of tears, but also laughter and breakthroughs.

✍🏾Did you know God designed our bodies so that physiological healing happens in sharing our stories? Trauma can get dislodged from places it might be stuck in our brains and new pathways are formed.

🎤 You can listen to my message here: https://thewellcommunity.org/podcasts/womens-bible-study/foundations-week

#sharingstories #womensupportingwomen #ladypreacher #biblestudy #womensbiblestudy #samaritanwoman #bleedingwoman #marymagdalene #sisterhood #brainscience @wellchurch @melissadanisi

View

Sep 22

Open
My heart is full after a week of teaching, preaching, and listening to the stories of the beautiful women of my church. We are going through a study called Foundations written by our pastor @bell_brad 
I got to teach on this week’s theme, “Sharing Your Story,” and illuminated the powerful testimonies of three women in the Bible who met Jesus, were transformed by His love, and then were sent out to share their stories. 
In our small group time, women were invited to share their 3-minute stories around the tables. There were lots of tears, but also laughter and breakthroughs.
✍🏾Did you know God designed our bodies so that physiological healing happens in sharing our stories? Trauma can get dislodged from places it might be stuck in our brains and new pathways are formed. 
🎤 You can listen to my message here: https://thewellcommunity.org/podcasts/womens-bible-study/foundations-week
#sharingstories #womensupportingwomen #ladypreacher #biblestudy #womensbiblestudy #samaritanwoman #bleedingwoman #marymagdalene #sisterhood #brainscience @wellchurch @melissadanisi
86 4

I’ve created this compassionate resource for your personal journey with grief. This book was 8 years in the making and offers a comforting, giftable resource for those who are processing their own loss, whether of a loved one, a season of life, or a dream. Breathing Through Grief includes 25 short devotionals that each focus on a different aspect of grief from my personal experience.

The journal also includes special resources such as:
•
breathing exercises
•
reflection questions
•
soul care tips
•
ample writing space
•
advice on how to talk to children about death
•
suggestions on how to approach triggers
•
creative ways to honor a loved one’s memory

If you or someone close to you is walking through loss⁠, let the comforting words in Breathing Through Grief encourage you with the knowledge that you are not alone and bring you a semblance of peace as you continue forward on the road to healing.

The book releases Nov. 14. You can pre-order today. For more information, visit www.waterbrookmultnomah.com.

View

Sep 21

Open
I’ve created this compassionate resource for your personal journey with grief. This book was 8 years in the making and offers a comforting, giftable resource for those who are processing their own loss, whether of a loved one, a season of life, or a dream. Breathing Through Grief includes 25 short devotionals that each focus on a different aspect of grief from my personal experience.
The journal also includes special resources such as:
•
breathing exercises
•
reflection questions
•
soul care tips
•
ample writing space
•
advice on how to talk to children about death
•
suggestions on how to approach triggers
•
creative ways to honor a loved one’s memory
If you or someone close to you is walking through loss⁠, let the comforting words in Breathing Through Grief encourage you with the knowledge that you are not alone and bring you a semblance of peace as you continue forward on the road to healing.
The book releases Nov. 14. You can pre-order today. For more information, visit www.waterbrookmultnomah.com.
51 8
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