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Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young

Chasing God's glory down life's unexpected trails

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Navigating Grief as Life Moves Forward: Choosing joy

 

It’s overwhelming some days, actually. I have this indescribable guilt for being happy.

When a loved one dies, they don’t hand you a “Grieving for Dummies” book and wish you luck. There are no set rules or even guidelines on how to grieve, how long you should grieve, or what grieving looks like.

They say everyone grieves differently, in their own ways and for their own amount of time. I’ve caught myself numerous times comparing my grief journey to others’ grief journeys.

I’m the widow. I was his wife, his best friend, shouldn’t I be the one grieving the most and the longest? If so, then why am I so happy?

Truth is, I started my grief journey long before May 30, 2015.

Grieving is our response to a loss. Any loss, not just death.

My late husband, Kenny, was diagnosed on his 18th birthday with Ewing’s Sarcoma, a bone cancer most prevalent in children and young adults. He fought his battle for over 11 years and went to Heaven, still fighting, on May 30, 2015.

During the last years of Kenny’s fight, we gave up a lot in exchange for more years of his life. Some tangible, and some not. He lost hair, a leg, and half a lung. With each loss, we grieved. I grieved. I was slowly losing bits and pieces of my husband – one surgery at a time, one round of chemotherapy at a time, one clinical trial at a time.

The one thing we didn’t lose was our love for each other.

Danielle and Kenny pose at the Oklahoma City Memorial 5k Race in April 2015. Danielle pushed her husband in his wheelchair to the finish line. (Photo provided by Danielle Comer)

 

Even though Kenny was the one coping with the physicality of his new way of living, I seemed to struggle just as much with his new disabilities. In the beginning, I had a hard time accepting the fact that my big, manly husband was not going to be able to do the same things other husbands would do for the wives. There was no carrying me across the threshold, no holding hands while walking down the street, no going for a run together, no placing my hand on his leg at dinner, no more wrapping his legs around me. We often take these small, everyday treasures for granted.

During the first couple years of our marriage, I held a lot of resentment in my heart, and it came out in the ugliest forms. Although I had verbally accepted this new life change for us, it was a façade because internally I was struggling. I hated that I would never have these things again, and I envied anyone who still did. When I heard someone complain about insignificant things, anger built up inside me.

I let this anger and resentment consume me at times, and it affected our marriage in ways I’m not proud of. In fact, it’s difficult to finally admit. I eventually learned that I needed to get over my own resentment and practice what I was preaching – enjoy the small, everyday treasures with your loved one.

Once I started appreciating the small things, life magically became much sweeter. All the struggles, worries, concerns minimized, and the blessings bloomed.

This is not to say we never worried or struggled again. With every new scan, we felt like we were faced with another life-changing decision.

We could’ve easily focused on all the losses and all the things not going in our favor, but we knew that focusing on the things we couldn’t control only created more misery in our already challenging life.  We chose to focus on the positives, on the little things that truly mattered.

We enjoyed more impromptu dates, took more walks, watched T.V. on the couch (guilt-free), and slept in a little longer. We soaked up every minute we had together.

If you only focus on the negative things in life, that’s all you’re going to see, and ultimately get. When you turn that focus back on the positives and the things that bring you joy, then you will create the tiniest shift in your life that will bring about the greatest rewards.

I believe this is why my grief journey has been one filled with more happiness than sadness.

Throughout our journey, I experienced anticipatory grief. I had the time and space to grieve in anticipation of Kenny’s death. This isn’t to say I don’t still have hard days without my husband or days I wish Kenny was here.

I believe I have a choice every day either to dwell on the past and the things that happened to me or to make the most of the small joys throughout my day and be grateful.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”
When you’re grateful and rejoice in that, happiness and joy will follow.
Every day you have a choice. You can choose to be sad and dwell on things that cannot and will not change.  Or you can choose to be happy and create good things. Go and create good bonus days!

 

Danielle Comer lives on the Oregon Coast where she is a city planner and blogs about discovering hope and courage through loss at www.portrayalofhope.com.  During her free time, Danielle enjoys exploring the Oregon Coast with her dog, Tank, discovering new coffee shops, and capturing life’s moments with her second set of eyes – her camera.  You can find Danielle on Instagram and Facebook.

 

Have you missed the other articles in our Navigating Grief as Life Moves Forward series? Check them out here:

The Garden – an introduction to the series

Grieving Together – an article on grieving with children

Choosing Joy – a guest post about a spouse choosing joy even on a long cancer journey

 When a Grandparent Dies – a guest post about how one mom is navigating her own grief and grief with her kids 

Facing Triggers and Trauma – an article about steering through grief when triggers and trauma arise

Would you like a copy of my FREE resource for “Grieving with Kids“? I’m passionate about meeting people in their grief and sharing a message of hope. Let’s connect!

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April 6, 2017 Categories: Guest Blogger, Navigating Grief, RunningTagged: cancer, finishing well, Grief, hope, joy

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Zelma Hayes says

    April 7, 2017 at 9:09 pm

    Such an uplifting message! You have already gone through so much in your sweet life. I’m sure your husband is rejoicing and thinking he will see you again someday????

    Reply
    • Dorina Gilmore says

      April 12, 2017 at 5:15 am

      Thank you for your encouragement!

      Reply
  2. Becky says

    April 8, 2017 at 3:50 pm

    Your story is inspirational and gives hope to others. Recently my husband was diagnosed with an incredibly rare disease. So rare that in the case of the world only about 70 families have been known to have it. Usually it doesn’t strike until people are in their 40’s or later but through a totally unrelated brain scan when John was in his late 20’s they found the calcium deposits in his brain. A few years later it was confirmed. He has Fehr’s Disease. Our children have a likely chance of getting it too since it’s genetic. His father was also recently diagnosed (he’s 58) and over a couple years he had to stop working and he is in incredible pain almost 100% of the time. It’s hard to watch. There is no cure. There is little to no help at this time.

    At times we almost wish he had cancer (I’m sorry to say that to you) because at least other people have it, there is a network, there is hope, people know what it is, there are treatment options. Instead he has something nobody has ever heard of and he may die next year and he may live a long life with major disabilities. He can’t get life insurance of course and as a stay at home mom with no income of my own, well that kinda sucks sometimes.

    We are in the military and it give us hope because it provides health and life insurance for now. But the hard thing is we can’t tell the military about his disease because we could get released and lose these benefits. It feels like a dirty secret that I’m not allowed to tell anyone. So much so, this is the first time I’ve told this story to anyone besides family. I feel silly to grieve at something that may never progress past this stage but sometimes we do. There is so much uncertainty. How do you prepare for the unknown. Anyway, thanks for listening. For being the first person I’ve shared this with. Your story really does give others hope and is a reminder to also love deeply and focus on the simple wonderful things with the person you love. Thank you.

    Reply
    • Dorina Gilmore says

      April 12, 2017 at 5:14 am

      Thank you for sharing your story, Becky. What a hard and horrible journey! We will be praying for you. May the God of comfort and mercy show you His glory every day!

      Reply

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Meet Dorina

Aloha, friend! If you love stories, you are in the right place. I write about grief, glory, running, food, and more. I hope these words inspire you to chase after God’s glory in your life today!

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Recent Posts

  • An unexpected adoption: You are loved as God’s daughter February 15, 2023
  • Top 10 Books I Read in 2022 January 29, 2023
  • We Can Bear Witness to the Glory of God in Each Other December 21, 2022
  • Rejoice Advent Devotional: How strength rises when we wait December 19, 2022
  • Learning to trust the Potter and the process November 11, 2022

Popular Posts

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  • 10 meaningful sympathy gift ideas for widows and families
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Several months ago, I invited my friend to join me for a pottery class at a new local studio for her birthday present. We both love to try new things and were intrigued by the experience of using a potter’s wheel to create something out of clay.

The process of forming clay on the wheel was longer and harder than it looks.

The trick was to keep adding water to keep the clay supple and moldable. We pressed, pulled, and pinched until that ball of clay eventually became a bowl or vase.

Metaphors for life abound in the pottery studio.

A few times, the teacher came over, stuck her hands in front of me, and started to work with my clay. At first, I wanted to take control of the clay myself. I wanted to learn by doing it myself. But soon I realized the value in surrendering to her expertise. In fact, I learned a lot from watching my teacher and her techniques.

The first surprising lesson was that it requires lots of water to make a clay pot on a wheel. Clay is naturally hard and heavy, but water makes it workable.

Our souls are much the same. We need consistent hydration. We need the living water that only Jesus offers. On our own we are heavy, brittle; we are dust. With Jesus’s living water, we are malleable clay.

{Read the full devotion at DorinaGlorygram.Substack.com} #pottery #clay #potter #biblestudy #bibleverse #encouragingwords

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Mar 24

Open
Several months ago, I invited my friend to join me for a pottery class at a new local studio for her birthday present. We both love to try new things and were intrigued by the experience of using a potter’s wheel to create something out of clay. 
The process of forming clay on the wheel was longer and harder than it looks.
The trick was to keep adding water to keep the clay supple and moldable. We pressed, pulled, and pinched until that ball of clay eventually became a bowl or vase. 
Metaphors for life abound in the pottery studio.
A few times, the teacher came over, stuck her hands in front of me, and started to work with my clay. At first, I wanted to take control of the clay myself. I wanted to learn by doing it myself. But soon I realized the value in surrendering to her expertise. In fact, I learned a lot from watching my teacher and her techniques.
The first surprising lesson was that it requires lots of water to make a clay pot on a wheel. Clay is naturally hard and heavy, but water makes it workable. 
Our souls are much the same. We need consistent hydration. We need the living water that only Jesus offers. On our own we are heavy, brittle; we are dust. With Jesus’s living water, we are malleable clay. 
{Read the full devotion at DorinaGlorygram.Substack.com} #pottery #clay #potter #biblestudy #bibleverse #encouragingwords
25 3

Such a good conversation tonight with @sarahrubiobooks about her new book, Her Story, Her Stength: 50 God Empowered Women of the Bible (@zonderkidz )

This is a book I wish I had when I was a young person. I love the way Sarah illuminates the stories and strengths of these diverse women in the Bible and how their stories point us back to God.

We pull back the curtain a bit tonight and dish about how Sarah got the idea for the book, the trials she faced during the writing, and the glory she experienced during the process!

👉🏾Which Ezer story is your favorite? Share in the comments about the woman from the Bible who inspires you! 📚

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Mar 23

Open
Such a good conversation tonight with @sarahrubiobooks about her new book, Her Story, Her Stength: 50 God Empowered Women of the Bible (@zonderkidz )
This is a book I wish I had when I was a young person. I love the way Sarah illuminates the stories and strengths of these diverse women in the Bible and how their stories point us back to God.
We pull back the curtain a bit tonight and dish about how Sarah got the idea for the book, the trials she faced during the writing, and the glory she experienced during the process!
👉🏾Which Ezer story is your favorite? Share in the comments about the woman from the Bible who inspires you! 📚
21 3

I’m so excited to chat with @sarahrubiobooks on my Global Glory Chasers broadcast tomorrow about experiencing God’s glory through writing and reading kids books. Sarah’s new book is Her Story, Her Strength: 50 God-Empowered Women of the Bible. Join us at 5 pm PT | 8 pm ET here on IGlive!

Sarah Parker Rubio edits children’s and young adult books by day and writes them by night. She was born in the United States, grew up in Costa Rica and Ecuador, and now has a bilingual and bicultural family with her husband, Colombian composer Gary Rubio. They live in Cincinnati with their three wonderful children and two sassy cats.

In a world that too often tells girls that they are not enough, Her Story, Her Strength uses biblical retellings and reflections that include the historical context behind each story to remind young women that they have a God who loves them deeply and empowers them to live and love like he does. For any girl ages 8 and up who is asking questions about her worth, identity, and place in the world and church, this colorful and engaging book provides a positive, loving, and scriptural lens that helps them interpret the messages they receive from their peers, media, and society.

#kidlit #womenshistorymonth #womenofthebible #womensupportingwomen

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Mar 22

Open
I’m so excited to chat with @sarahrubiobooks on my Global Glory Chasers broadcast tomorrow about experiencing God’s glory through writing and reading kids books. Sarah’s new book is Her Story, Her Strength: 50 God-Empowered Women of the Bible. Join us at 5 pm PT | 8 pm ET here on IGlive!
Sarah Parker Rubio edits children’s and young adult books by day and writes them by night. She was born in the United States, grew up in Costa Rica and Ecuador, and now has a bilingual and bicultural family with her husband, Colombian composer Gary Rubio. They live in Cincinnati with their three wonderful children and two sassy cats.
In a world that too often tells girls that they are not enough, Her Story, Her Strength uses biblical retellings and reflections that include the historical context behind each story to remind young women that they have a God who loves them deeply and empowers them to live and love like he does. For any girl ages 8 and up who is asking questions about her worth, identity, and place in the world and church, this colorful and engaging book provides a positive, loving, and scriptural lens that helps them interpret the messages they receive from their peers, media, and society.
#kidlit #womenshistorymonth #womenofthebible #womensupportingwomen
38 1

“Rise and shine and give God the glory, glory,” Mama sings. 🎶

Glory?, Zayla thinks, wrinkling her nose, “Mama, we talk and sing about glory at church, but what exactly is glory?”

“Well, that’s a good question,” Mama says with a broad smile. “Let’s go look for it.”

____

These are the opening lines to my new children’s book, Chasing God’s Glory. When my three daughters were little, we started going on glory-chasing hunts together. This was the way we would lift our heads to see God at work on ordinary days and difficult days.

The word glory is mentioned more than 500 times in Scripture. If we study the scriptures that mention it, we discover God’s glory is the very essence of who God is, His character. Glory is what sets God apart. It’s the way God reveals Himself to us. It’s His presence.

Back in 2014, I chose the word glory as my word of the year. Little did I know that this single, five-letter word would be the thing God would use to transform me, inspire me, lift me, and carry me through the most difficult year of my life. This would be the beginning of tracing His glory story in the most unexpected narrative.

I had to train myself to notice  God’s glory around me through tragedy and triumph. That was the year my husband was diagnosed with stage four cancer. That was the year my lover leaped into Heaven – the ultimate Glory – leaving me a widow with three small children. That was the year I experienced God’s glory in little girl giggles, home-cooked meals, and road trips. That was the year He showed up for us through our community who served us, fed us, collected money for medical bills, and lifted us.

God has shown me that glory is the very beginning of the story and also the grand finale…

{Read more about it at @incourage today and enter for a chance to win my new book!} 🫶🏾🚴📚🍀🌊🥰

#chasinggodsglory #glorychasers #kidslit #picturebook @waterbrookmultnomahkids #newbook #glory #creation

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Mar 21

Open
“Rise and shine and give God the glory, glory,” Mama sings. 🎶 
Glory?, Zayla thinks, wrinkling her nose, “Mama, we talk and sing about glory at church, but what exactly is glory?”
“Well, that’s a good question,” Mama says with a broad smile. “Let’s go look for it.” 
____ 
These are the opening lines to my new children’s book, Chasing God’s Glory. When my three daughters were little, we started going on glory-chasing hunts together. This was the way we would lift our heads to see God at work on ordinary days and difficult days. 
The word glory is mentioned more than 500 times in Scripture. If we study the scriptures that mention it, we discover God’s glory is the very essence of who God is, His character. Glory is what sets God apart. It’s the way God reveals Himself to us. It’s His presence. 
Back in 2014, I chose the word glory as my word of the year. Little did I know that this single, five-letter word would be the thing God would use to transform me, inspire me, lift me, and carry me through the most difficult year of my life. This would be the beginning of tracing His glory story in the most unexpected narrative. 
I had to train myself to notice  God’s glory around me through tragedy and triumph. That was the year my husband was diagnosed with stage four cancer. That was the year my lover leaped into Heaven – the ultimate Glory – leaving me a widow with three small children. That was the year I experienced God’s glory in little girl giggles, home-cooked meals, and road trips. That was the year He showed up for us through our community who served us, fed us, collected money for medical bills, and lifted us. 
God has shown me that glory is the very beginning of the story and also the grand finale…
{Read more about it at @incourage today and enter for a chance to win my new book!} 🫶🏾🚴📚🍀🌊🥰
#chasinggodsglory #glorychasers #kidslit #picturebook @waterbrookmultnomahkids #newbook #glory #creation
53 14

This weekend I hosted the Lead Loved Women’s Leadership Summit! What a day! This was our first hybrid event welcoming women and speakers online across time zones as well as in-person in Fresno, California.

God showed up in a beautiful and mighty way as these women leaders gathered to connect, learn, and pray together!

My highlight was seeing how the messages from our speakers @latashamferguson @shawnasullivan @riciskei dovetailed so perfectly together as they encouraged the women to lead themselves well, be intentional with their time and resources, and embrace restorative rest.

I am especially grateful for my Lead Loved team who said yes to something crazy like a hybrid event so women across the country could be filled and led back to Jesus.

👉🏾Share a highlight in the comments if you were there or drop an emoji if you need this in your life!

@leadloved #womenleadership

View

Mar 21

Open
This weekend I hosted the Lead Loved Women’s Leadership Summit! What a day! This was our first hybrid event welcoming women and speakers online across time zones as well as in-person in Fresno, California.
God showed up in a beautiful and mighty way as these women leaders gathered to connect, learn, and pray together!
My highlight was seeing how the messages from our speakers @latashamferguson @shawnasullivan @riciskei dovetailed so perfectly together as they encouraged the women to lead themselves well, be intentional with their time and resources, and embrace restorative rest.
I am especially grateful for my Lead Loved team who said yes to something crazy like a hybrid event so women across the country could be filled and led back to Jesus.
👉🏾Share a highlight in the comments if you were there or drop an emoji if you need this in your life! 
@leadloved #womenleadership
108 9
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