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Learning the language of goodbyes with kids

The original version of this article was published on my ministry blog, Gilmores for His Glory, on August 8, 2012.


We have said a lot of goodbyes in our lifetime. Sometimes it feels like too many for my heart to bear. This is one of the sacrifices of building a life in two different countries and befriending people from around the world.

I still remember our first full summer in Haiti. My girls were so little. There hearts were so fragile. We kissed and cried in the Fresno airport when we said goodbye to grandparents and dear friends. Then we began our long journey to our new home in Haiti.

That summer my girls bonded with new Haitian friends and many Americans too. The kids at the orphanage next to our mission house became like siblings to them. They spent long afternoons jumping rope, eating mangoes and playing soccer. Each week a new American team would come to serve, and each Saturday we would stand in the driveway and send them off with hugs.

After they would leave, the girls and I would retreat to the bedroom. My mama instinct was to hold it together, but it wasn’t always easy. More often I would gather my little birds in my arms and we would cry together. We would lean into the loss.

Some of our closest friends live in Germany, the Philippines, Haiti, Florida and Maryland. We have cousins in Spain, Texas, Michigan, Ohio, South Carolina and Washington. We visit and this necessitates goodbyes.

I used to wonder if all these goodbyes were too hard for my babies’ hearts, too hard for my heart. I strategized about ways to shield them from the sadness, the longing, and the wondering when we would meet again.

And I found myself asking God some hard questions:

Why must we always say goodbye?

Why risk loving someone deeply when parting will be inevitable?

Since that first hard summer in Haiti, my girls and I have endured many goodbyes, including perhaps the ultimate goodbye. On September 9, 2014, we stood at the bed beside my beloved husband and kissed him goodbye before he graduated to Heaven. It’s a goodbye that still sears my heart, that still makes me ache to my very core.

In this deep longing, I have dug up my answer about goodbyes.

I could draw back. I could avoid goodbyes altogether. I could keep to myself, shelter my kids from friends and family relationships. I could numb out. I could stay put, never travel, never follow my dreams.

I could turn my back on my calling.

I could keep my relationships surface so it doesn’t hurt so badly when people go away.

I could.

But is that what I really want for my life? Is that the mission? Are those the values I want to teach my kids?

Eventually, I realized that the sweet sorrow of goodbye is meaningful. I know the deepest love because I’ve risked that pain. My girls are learning to love well. Our time with people now is quality. And that is a risk worth taking.

I know Moise and Nella and Angeline and Dartiquenov and Cindy and Carla and Marcy and Jeremy deeply because I’ve said yes to the goodbyes. My kids love Gary and Rose Katia and Amanda and Esther and Corban and Hannah and Giovanni and Sophie because we’ve embraced goodbyes.

I can relate to the emotion-filled words of Paul in his letter to Timothy: “I miss you a lot, especially when I remember that last tearful good-bye, and I look forward to a joy-packed reunion.” (‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭1:3-4‬ , The Message‬‬).

When life is full of goodbyes, life is so much richer.

Now we linger over our goodbyes. They are important to us. We’ve made them into see-you-soons and meet-you-theres.

We’ve promised texts and letters and blogs and photos and Facetime dates. And when we promise, we make that extra effort follow through.

My family has learned the language of goodbye. It’s a heart language. At the close of the summer, my heart is tired, but my heart is full.

We will keep traveling, and we will keep loving, and we will keep releasing our people gently into the Father’s arms for safe keeping.

Who have you said goodbye to this summer? How do you approach this sacred releasing of people? We would love to hear from you in the comments!

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August 8, 2017 Categories: Navigating GriefTagged: community, death, family life, finishing well, friendship, Grief, haiti, kids, parenting, relationships, transitions, world travel

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Susan Shipe says

    August 11, 2017 at 1:09 pm

    Such a beautiful post. I’m visiting from Hope*Writers. The hardest good-bye I’ve had to say was to my 86 yr old Mom in October 2012

    Reply
    • Dorina Gilmore says

      August 11, 2017 at 1:38 pm

      I’m so sorry, Susan. Sounds like you loved her deeply and well!

      Reply
  2. Nancy Ruegg says

    August 12, 2017 at 7:41 pm

    I’m visiting from Glory Writers, Dorina. You have said good-bye many more times and to many more people than I have. But our lives have been characterized by a number of farewells also. My husband was a pastor for forty years, serving in six churches in six different communities. As we transitioned from one to the next, it was necessary to say good-bye, not only to the people who had become our extended family but also to the activities that were a part of that congregation’s life. Looking back, however, I am SO grateful for the wide range of experiences, personalities, and opportunities we enjoyed. Had we stayed in one place, or if we had remained aloof instead of getting deeply involved, how much we would have missed! You are right: “When life is full of goodbyes, life is so much richer.” P.S. I am deeply sorry, Dorina, that you have had to say good-bye for now to your beloved husband. My heart aches for you that at your young age you must deal with such emotional pain. But I also rejoice that God has given you joyful passion to continue loving and serving for Him.

    Reply
    • Dorina Gilmore says

      August 14, 2017 at 11:44 pm

      Nancy, thank you for taking time to share your experiences. I am aware that pastors and others in ministry must endure a lot of goodbyes as well. Your story is a good reminder of this. I love that you, too, can see the value of investing deeply in relationships! God continues to redeem my story!

      Reply

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Meet Dorina

Aloha, friend! If you love stories, you are in the right place. I write about grief, glory, running, food, and more. I hope these words inspire you to chase after God’s glory in your life today!

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Several months ago, I invited my friend to join me for a pottery class at a new local studio for her birthday present. We both love to try new things and were intrigued by the experience of using a potter’s wheel to create something out of clay.

The process of forming clay on the wheel was longer and harder than it looks.

The trick was to keep adding water to keep the clay supple and moldable. We pressed, pulled, and pinched until that ball of clay eventually became a bowl or vase.

Metaphors for life abound in the pottery studio.

A few times, the teacher came over, stuck her hands in front of me, and started to work with my clay. At first, I wanted to take control of the clay myself. I wanted to learn by doing it myself. But soon I realized the value in surrendering to her expertise. In fact, I learned a lot from watching my teacher and her techniques.

The first surprising lesson was that it requires lots of water to make a clay pot on a wheel. Clay is naturally hard and heavy, but water makes it workable.

Our souls are much the same. We need consistent hydration. We need the living water that only Jesus offers. On our own we are heavy, brittle; we are dust. With Jesus’s living water, we are malleable clay.

{Read the full devotion at DorinaGlorygram.Substack.com} #pottery #clay #potter #biblestudy #bibleverse #encouragingwords

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Mar 24

Open
Several months ago, I invited my friend to join me for a pottery class at a new local studio for her birthday present. We both love to try new things and were intrigued by the experience of using a potter’s wheel to create something out of clay. 
The process of forming clay on the wheel was longer and harder than it looks.
The trick was to keep adding water to keep the clay supple and moldable. We pressed, pulled, and pinched until that ball of clay eventually became a bowl or vase. 
Metaphors for life abound in the pottery studio.
A few times, the teacher came over, stuck her hands in front of me, and started to work with my clay. At first, I wanted to take control of the clay myself. I wanted to learn by doing it myself. But soon I realized the value in surrendering to her expertise. In fact, I learned a lot from watching my teacher and her techniques.
The first surprising lesson was that it requires lots of water to make a clay pot on a wheel. Clay is naturally hard and heavy, but water makes it workable. 
Our souls are much the same. We need consistent hydration. We need the living water that only Jesus offers. On our own we are heavy, brittle; we are dust. With Jesus’s living water, we are malleable clay. 
{Read the full devotion at DorinaGlorygram.Substack.com} #pottery #clay #potter #biblestudy #bibleverse #encouragingwords
17 3

Such a good conversation tonight with @sarahrubiobooks about her new book, Her Story, Her Stength: 50 God Empowered Women of the Bible (@zonderkidz )

This is a book I wish I had when I was a young person. I love the way Sarah illuminates the stories and strengths of these diverse women in the Bible and how their stories point us back to God.

We pull back the curtain a bit tonight and dish about how Sarah got the idea for the book, the trials she faced during the writing, and the glory she experienced during the process!

👉🏾Which Ezer story is your favorite? Share in the comments about the woman from the Bible who inspires you! 📚

View

Mar 23

Open
Such a good conversation tonight with @sarahrubiobooks about her new book, Her Story, Her Stength: 50 God Empowered Women of the Bible (@zonderkidz )
This is a book I wish I had when I was a young person. I love the way Sarah illuminates the stories and strengths of these diverse women in the Bible and how their stories point us back to God.
We pull back the curtain a bit tonight and dish about how Sarah got the idea for the book, the trials she faced during the writing, and the glory she experienced during the process!
👉🏾Which Ezer story is your favorite? Share in the comments about the woman from the Bible who inspires you! 📚
21 3

I’m so excited to chat with @sarahrubiobooks on my Global Glory Chasers broadcast tomorrow about experiencing God’s glory through writing and reading kids books. Sarah’s new book is Her Story, Her Strength: 50 God-Empowered Women of the Bible. Join us at 5 pm PT | 8 pm ET here on IGlive!

Sarah Parker Rubio edits children’s and young adult books by day and writes them by night. She was born in the United States, grew up in Costa Rica and Ecuador, and now has a bilingual and bicultural family with her husband, Colombian composer Gary Rubio. They live in Cincinnati with their three wonderful children and two sassy cats.

In a world that too often tells girls that they are not enough, Her Story, Her Strength uses biblical retellings and reflections that include the historical context behind each story to remind young women that they have a God who loves them deeply and empowers them to live and love like he does. For any girl ages 8 and up who is asking questions about her worth, identity, and place in the world and church, this colorful and engaging book provides a positive, loving, and scriptural lens that helps them interpret the messages they receive from their peers, media, and society.

#kidlit #womenshistorymonth #womenofthebible #womensupportingwomen

View

Mar 22

Open
I’m so excited to chat with @sarahrubiobooks on my Global Glory Chasers broadcast tomorrow about experiencing God’s glory through writing and reading kids books. Sarah’s new book is Her Story, Her Strength: 50 God-Empowered Women of the Bible. Join us at 5 pm PT | 8 pm ET here on IGlive!
Sarah Parker Rubio edits children’s and young adult books by day and writes them by night. She was born in the United States, grew up in Costa Rica and Ecuador, and now has a bilingual and bicultural family with her husband, Colombian composer Gary Rubio. They live in Cincinnati with their three wonderful children and two sassy cats.
In a world that too often tells girls that they are not enough, Her Story, Her Strength uses biblical retellings and reflections that include the historical context behind each story to remind young women that they have a God who loves them deeply and empowers them to live and love like he does. For any girl ages 8 and up who is asking questions about her worth, identity, and place in the world and church, this colorful and engaging book provides a positive, loving, and scriptural lens that helps them interpret the messages they receive from their peers, media, and society.
#kidlit #womenshistorymonth #womenofthebible #womensupportingwomen
38 1

“Rise and shine and give God the glory, glory,” Mama sings. 🎶

Glory?, Zayla thinks, wrinkling her nose, “Mama, we talk and sing about glory at church, but what exactly is glory?”

“Well, that’s a good question,” Mama says with a broad smile. “Let’s go look for it.”

____

These are the opening lines to my new children’s book, Chasing God’s Glory. When my three daughters were little, we started going on glory-chasing hunts together. This was the way we would lift our heads to see God at work on ordinary days and difficult days.

The word glory is mentioned more than 500 times in Scripture. If we study the scriptures that mention it, we discover God’s glory is the very essence of who God is, His character. Glory is what sets God apart. It’s the way God reveals Himself to us. It’s His presence.

Back in 2014, I chose the word glory as my word of the year. Little did I know that this single, five-letter word would be the thing God would use to transform me, inspire me, lift me, and carry me through the most difficult year of my life. This would be the beginning of tracing His glory story in the most unexpected narrative.

I had to train myself to notice  God’s glory around me through tragedy and triumph. That was the year my husband was diagnosed with stage four cancer. That was the year my lover leaped into Heaven – the ultimate Glory – leaving me a widow with three small children. That was the year I experienced God’s glory in little girl giggles, home-cooked meals, and road trips. That was the year He showed up for us through our community who served us, fed us, collected money for medical bills, and lifted us.

God has shown me that glory is the very beginning of the story and also the grand finale…

{Read more about it at @incourage today and enter for a chance to win my new book!} 🫶🏾🚴📚🍀🌊🥰

#chasinggodsglory #glorychasers #kidslit #picturebook @waterbrookmultnomahkids #newbook #glory #creation

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Mar 21

Open
“Rise and shine and give God the glory, glory,” Mama sings. 🎶 
Glory?, Zayla thinks, wrinkling her nose, “Mama, we talk and sing about glory at church, but what exactly is glory?”
“Well, that’s a good question,” Mama says with a broad smile. “Let’s go look for it.” 
____ 
These are the opening lines to my new children’s book, Chasing God’s Glory. When my three daughters were little, we started going on glory-chasing hunts together. This was the way we would lift our heads to see God at work on ordinary days and difficult days. 
The word glory is mentioned more than 500 times in Scripture. If we study the scriptures that mention it, we discover God’s glory is the very essence of who God is, His character. Glory is what sets God apart. It’s the way God reveals Himself to us. It’s His presence. 
Back in 2014, I chose the word glory as my word of the year. Little did I know that this single, five-letter word would be the thing God would use to transform me, inspire me, lift me, and carry me through the most difficult year of my life. This would be the beginning of tracing His glory story in the most unexpected narrative. 
I had to train myself to notice  God’s glory around me through tragedy and triumph. That was the year my husband was diagnosed with stage four cancer. That was the year my lover leaped into Heaven – the ultimate Glory – leaving me a widow with three small children. That was the year I experienced God’s glory in little girl giggles, home-cooked meals, and road trips. That was the year He showed up for us through our community who served us, fed us, collected money for medical bills, and lifted us. 
God has shown me that glory is the very beginning of the story and also the grand finale…
{Read more about it at @incourage today and enter for a chance to win my new book!} 🫶🏾🚴📚🍀🌊🥰
#chasinggodsglory #glorychasers #kidslit #picturebook @waterbrookmultnomahkids #newbook #glory #creation
53 14

This weekend I hosted the Lead Loved Women’s Leadership Summit! What a day! This was our first hybrid event welcoming women and speakers online across time zones as well as in-person in Fresno, California.

God showed up in a beautiful and mighty way as these women leaders gathered to connect, learn, and pray together!

My highlight was seeing how the messages from our speakers @latashamferguson @shawnasullivan @riciskei dovetailed so perfectly together as they encouraged the women to lead themselves well, be intentional with their time and resources, and embrace restorative rest.

I am especially grateful for my Lead Loved team who said yes to something crazy like a hybrid event so women across the country could be filled and led back to Jesus.

👉🏾Share a highlight in the comments if you were there or drop an emoji if you need this in your life!

@leadloved #womenleadership

View

Mar 21

Open
This weekend I hosted the Lead Loved Women’s Leadership Summit! What a day! This was our first hybrid event welcoming women and speakers online across time zones as well as in-person in Fresno, California.
God showed up in a beautiful and mighty way as these women leaders gathered to connect, learn, and pray together!
My highlight was seeing how the messages from our speakers @latashamferguson @shawnasullivan @riciskei dovetailed so perfectly together as they encouraged the women to lead themselves well, be intentional with their time and resources, and embrace restorative rest.
I am especially grateful for my Lead Loved team who said yes to something crazy like a hybrid event so women across the country could be filled and led back to Jesus.
👉🏾Share a highlight in the comments if you were there or drop an emoji if you need this in your life! 
@leadloved #womenleadership
108 9
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