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Dorina Lazo Gilmore-Young

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Celebrating a Heaveniversary: 10 ways to honor a loved one’s death

It surprises me every year at this time. We are finally settling into a school routine and a fall activity rhythm. I’ve hit my stride with my creative work and the groups I’m leading are kicking off. Then out of nowhere I start to get this slow ache deep in my soul.

Grief sneaks in.

And somehow my body and my soul know before my brain that this was the week. Three years ago, these were the final days when my husband was fighting for his life. My memory skids and careens and bumps over the memories. The call to hospice. The oxygen tank. The way my bedroom was turned into a hospital room. The desperate prayers whispered in the kitchen or the bathroom, in the darkest hours when none of us could sleep.

I prayed a prayer I never believed I could. I begged God to take him, to release him from his pain. I looked into his hazel eyes and told my beloved the girls and I would be ok.

And on September 9, 2014, my beloved husband soared to Heaven.

Such beautiful sweet redemption for him after an intense cancer battle. And unexpected relief for me. I did not have to watch him suffer anymore. I had confidence he was running the streets of gold with a new body in Heaven.

Three years later, my soul still knows. My body still remembers. This Saturday we will celebrate Ericlee’s 3-year Heaveniversary. The girls and I decided last year to name this sacred day his Heaveniversary. I was tired of the awkward phrases like the “day he died” or “death day.” I want this day to be an anniversary when we remember a husband, father, coach and friend, and his amazing legacy. Death was not the end of his story; Heaven is.

Are you longing to celebrate a loved one and their legacy? Do you have a Heaveniversary fast-approaching?

I polled some of my widow friends and asked them how they celebrate their husbands’ Heaveniversaries. The following is a list of creative ideas you might consider to honor your husband, your wife, your mother, your aunt, your friend or others on their Heaveniversary. For us, it has been about discovering meaningful ways to remember each year.

  1. Bring a picnic to the cemetery. It’s a tradition for many families from different cultures to visit the grave site of a loved one on their Heaveniversary. We put a twist on this last year by bringing a picnic. I brought pizza and sandwiches from my husband’s favorite spot. We spread a blanket over the grass. Grandma came to sit with us, and we shared stories about him and other family members who were buried at that cemetery.
  1. Release balloons into the sky and send prayers to Heaven. My friend said she took her three children to the cemetery and they released balloons into the sky in memory of Daddy. There’s something beautiful and sacred about letting go and watching these balloons fly to the heavens.
  1. Take a day to go to the lake or another place your loved one would spend a lot of time. Another friend said she took her daughters to a nearby lake, which was her husband’s favorite place to be. They brought lunch and relaxed together. Sometimes getting away on a trip can be the best way to celebrate.
  1. Visit a favorite restaurant and share memories around the table. We might be tempted to avoid special places during the year, but a Heaveniversary is a perfect day to return to a favorite restaurant or a place you shared your first date. Bring friends or family and share memories around the table.
  1. Look through some of your loved one’s treasures together. We have several boxes in our garage with my husband’s favorite childhood treasures, some of his clothes and cards people sent with special stories about him. A Heaveniversary is an opportune time to get these out and to share them.
  1. Peruse pictures and create an album together. The majority of our pictures are digital now, which means less time to select the best photos and assemble albums. When you take time to peruse pictures and put together a special album, you participate in meaningful remembrance of your loved one.
  1. Gather some friends to watch videos together. One of my daughters’ treasures is their dad’s old iPhone. They found all kinds of silly videos he made of them when they were little or workouts he used to do. Last year, we saved those videos to our laptop and hooked that up to our TV to watch them together. We loved the opportunity to hear his voice and laugh again.
  1. Do something active in honor of your loved one. My husband was an athlete and coach. He loved to get outdoors for a hike or run. One way to celebrate his legacy is to do something active in his honor. You might do this with friends or family. You might even sign up for a race and run in your husband’s honor. The training can be a time for grieving and remembering.
  1. Journal your memories. Sometimes I worry that the best memories of my husband will be forgotten. Carve out some time on this Heaveniversary to write down a few memories of your loved one. They don’t need to be perfect or polished. Writing them down helps you remember and record these memories for family in the future.
  1. Host a Heaveniversary dinner. We started this tradition last year and other widow friends have done the same. We invite some of our treasured friends to our house for a special meal. I intentionally invited some of my husband’s friends who we don’t see as much anymore. After dinner, we gathered in our living room to share stories about my husband. What I thought might be a somber day turned into a true celebration.

One thing I’ve learned these last three years is that I need to be intentional about carving out time and inviting my family into practices of remembrance. I can’t wait for others to stand up and offer their thoughts spontaneously. I need to find courage to lead.

Even three years later, my mind is often triggered by memories of my late husband. He appears in my dreams or I find myself saying something the way he used to say it. These make me pause. The grief never goes away but the path somehow grows easier. A big part of this journey has been taking time to lean in together as a family and remember the man he was, and to continue carrying his values into the future.

This Saturday, we will host another Heaveniversary party to remember my Ericlee. We will laugh, we will cry and we will celebrate.

 

**Interested in reading more about why it’s important to give yourself permission to grieve? Check out this post.

***I would love to send you my FREE guide on Navigating Grief with Kids full or ideas and resources. Opt in here.

 

Featured photo via VisualHunt

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September 8, 2017 Categories: Navigating Grief, RunningTagged: courage, death, family life, Grief, kids, struggle

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Comments

  1. Carol Longenecker Hiestand says

    September 9, 2017 at 12:02 am

    beautiful , , , this thing of our bodies remembering before our brains. Yes, yes, yes. Thank you for sharing here.

    Reply
  2. Melissa Martinez says

    September 12, 2017 at 8:26 pm

    What meaningful ideas to take away from this! I might just give a new one a try next year. Thank you for sharing, Dorina.

    Reply
    • Dorina Gilmore says

      September 13, 2017 at 4:44 pm

      Thanks for sharing your balloon release idea. I forgot to get balloons this year but I love the concept and will try in the future…

      Reply
  3. Teresa says

    January 24, 2020 at 3:31 pm

    Thank you for sharing this Dorena. My daughter and I get very weepy the week of my Dad’s Heaveniversary. I usually take off work on the actual date because I automatically wake up crying on that morning because the night before he died I was in bed and thought let me go up and tell him goodnight but I was so tired I said I’ll see him in the morning. When I woke up he had just transitioned into eternal life. I miss my Father so much. My mom and I have gone to the casino (he loved to gamble lol) on his Heaveniversary and out to eat at his favorite spot. This Saturday my mom and I will get together and do something special to honor his life and our love for him. Thank you so much for reminding me that my body knows before my brain…this is always a hard week since he too died from cancer. And he knew the day he was going…I told him they were bringing a hospital bed. He said why are they bringing a bed for one day? I didn’t get it until after he died. He spent 1 day in that bed and the next he was gone. His last words the night before were “See You On The Other Side”….Fairly well Daddy.

    Reply
  4. Kim Goës says

    June 2, 2020 at 7:14 pm

    Thank you for sharing! I lost my husband Erick(50) to cancer Oct 23,2019. His birthday is coming up June 13. My daughter, Ericka and I want to do something special. You gave us some great ideas. Please pray for me. This is a very lonely journey.
    Thank you
    Kim💙

    Reply
    • Dorina says

      June 2, 2020 at 7:38 pm

      I’m glad you found this article and some ideas to use. Please check out my Facebook group Widow Mama Collective if you need support on your journey!

      Reply
  5. Lucy says

    August 30, 2020 at 12:36 am

    Hello Dorina,
    My husband passed on May 10 of this year, 2020. He waited until Mother’s Day to take his last breath. He passed on with Pancreatic Cancer. It was a shock to all of us. He didn’t have early symptoms. When he did, it was too late. He was 65 young. We’re supposed to grow older and be together until the end of our love story. It wasn’t meant to be. Now, my soulmate, my best friend, and my understanding partner is in heaven. I celebrate his life everyday by creating an altar with his urn surrounded with beautiful flowers, i also placed his favorite, small memory items next to the urn. At night i turn a salt lamp on to guide him to heaven and back. Every morning I place a small glass of water to help his soul hydrated. Talking to him out loud helps me ease the pain in my heart. My daily ritual may sound crazy, but this is how I cope with my grief. Thank you for this article. My deepest sympathy for the loss of your husband.

    Reply
  6. Christa says

    October 9, 2020 at 11:16 pm

    Thanks for all the creative suggestions to celebrate our loved ones! I lost my brother who was my best friend a few months ago which was unexpected so I’m always searching for ways to process & overcome my grief as it’s been so hard to cope beings how close we were. God bless u all!

    Reply
  7. Rachel Ozuna says

    November 10, 2020 at 6:03 am

    Thanks for sharing. Nov 12 will be 23 years that my daughter has passed. On her 20th Heaveniversary we gathered with family & friends and released butterflies. It was beautiful.

    Reply
    • Dorina says

      November 20, 2020 at 9:28 am

      Praying over you and your family! I love the idea of releasing butterflies. How beautiful!

      Reply
  8. Cathy Blowers says

    December 2, 2020 at 5:54 am

    I don’t think it was coincidence I stumbled upon your page this morning. Today I am celebrating my 25th wedding anniversary – alone. My husband passed away from glioblastoma a year and a half ago. I thought today when I woke up that I would be fine, but that sneaky grief is settling quickly into my spirit. Thank you so very much for this page.

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Weekend Roundup, September 8, 2017 says:
    September 8, 2017 at 11:55 pm

    […] be a Weekend Roundup without an essay from Dorina Lazo Gilmore, don’t you think?  Her essay, Celebrating a Heaveniversary: 10 ways to honor a loved one’s death came at just the right time.   I’m usually not one for advice-style essays, but this one is […]

    Reply
  2. How to Talk to Your Kids About Death says:
    January 15, 2018 at 7:29 pm

    […] need to feel like they are part of the process. Each year I invite them to help me think of creative ways to honor their dad on anniversaries and holidays. For example, every year on his birthday they join me and we invite […]

    Reply

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Meet Dorina

Aloha, friend! If you love stories, you are in the right place. I write about grief, glory, running, food, and more. I hope these words inspire you to chase after God’s glory in your life today!

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Five years ago today, our family stood at the altar and said “I do” to a redemption story only God could craft. We chose love in the midst of our ...

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Jan 16

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Five years ago today, our family stood at the altar and said “I do” to a redemption story only God could craft. We chose love in the midst of our deep grief.
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People talk about the “dumpster fire of 2020,” but our dumpster fire was in 2014. That was the year my beloved received a devastating diagnosis. Four short months later, the girls and I stood at the graveside surrendering him to Heaven. That year I walked away from a ministry and work that we had built together over a decade in Haiti. The loss was unimaginable. Not only had I lost my husband, but I also lost my community, any sense of normalcy, my confidence, and my livelihood. I buried many dreams in that dumpster fire.
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But God promises to bring beauty from the ashes. And we stand a testimony today that He is faithful to His promises. For five years now, Shawn and I have been a couple. Two became one at that altar. And defying all math, five became one. For five years, my girls have experienced a new earthly father. We have stepped into a new sense of family.
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God has planted new seeds in our garden of ashes. We watered these seeds with tears and laughter through the years. Our family has cultivated new rhythms and watched new life spring from the grave. 
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Friend, I know you have walked through the fire this last year. I know you are worn and weary, broken and bruised. I know your loss is unimaginable. Today I want to give you permission to grieve. I also want you to know that hope is always on the horizon. Even in darkness there is a glimmer of glory. May you and I be like phoenix that rises from the ashes and spreads her resilient wings. May we sing in our loudest voices the redemption story God composes over and over again.
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Happy 5th anniversary, @shawnyoungruns  I’ve said it all year, and I’ll say it again. I’m so grateful to walk through the dumpster fire with you. 🔥 
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#beautyfromashes #redemption #redemptionsong #hopewriterlife #newsong #phoenix #widow #grief #griefjourney #anniversary #fiveyears #allthingsnew #chosen2021 #glorychasers #flourishingtogether #walkrunsoar #weareincourage #1000gifts
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We're ba-ack! We just kicked off Season 2 of the Walk Run Soar podcast this week with an interview with Dr. Ray Winter, who is the head Track ...

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We're ba-ack! We just kicked off Season 2 of the Walk Run Soar podcast this week with an interview with Dr. Ray Winter, who is the head Track & Field and Cross Country coach at Fresno Pacific University. 🚶🏻‍♂️Ray shared about his story of coaching now at his alma mater. 
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🎙 We also chatted about:
-coaching through the challenges of Covid times
-connecting with God through nature and running
-how Scripture and mantras can be used to augment workouts
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We love how Ray talked about running as his "soul food" - where He goes for spiritual and physical nourishment regularly. 
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🎧 Listen in here: https://anchor.fm/.../Walk-Run-Soar--Season-2--Episode-1...
🍎 Or on Apple podcasts here: https://podcasts.apple.com/.../walk-run.../id1493567998...
📺 on YouTube here: https://youtu.be/7zEfh4Rtvvg
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#runnersofinstagam #runners #christianrunners @FresnoPacificUniversity #runningmotivation #glorychasers #runforhim #runners #runningcommunity @the1protagonist
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Every year I listen and look for a ✨word of the year✨that God might use to teach me. This has been a spiritual practice in my life for more than...

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Jan 14

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Every year I listen and look for a ✨word of the year✨that God might use to teach me. This has been a spiritual practice in my life for more than a decade.  I follow that word through the year. I reflect, read the Bible, copy down quotes, and write about what I’m learning. I love the way the words connect from year to year.
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Of course, every year I choose a word theme and by December I am surprised at the lessons I’ve learned from following that word. It’s never what I hoped, imagined, or predicted back in January. Choosing a word always involves surrendering, reckoning and deepening my relationship with the One who was and is the Word from beginning to end.
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These last few months, I’ve noticed a new word bubbling to the surface. It always happens this way for me. I notice a word appearing in different places – in the pages of scripture, in art, in music, in conversation, and in my heart.
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This year I’m exploring the word “chosen.” The dictionary tells me it means “one who is the object of choice or of divine favor.”
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This morning I read these words in Isaiah 43:  “‘You are my witnesses,’ declares the LORD, and my servant whom I have chosen that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he” -Isaiah 43: 10
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We may have flipped the calendar to a new month and a new year, but the reality is we still have a lot of wreckage to reckon with in 2021. As much as we are longing for a fresh start, there may be a lot of the same. Yet, I hear the echoes of Isaiah’s prophecy calling me and calling you to be witnesses. God will prevail even through our present challenges. We are chosen to know, believe, and understand who He is and to reflect His glory to a weary and wandering world.
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Will you join me? What’s your word this year?
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👉🏽I’m hosting a Zoom Word Party at 10 am on Saturday, January 31. If you choose a word of the year or would like to hear more about this practice from other women leaders, join us. Details at @leadloved or register at www.leadloved.com.
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#leadloved #wordoftheyear #oneword #chosen #womenoftheword #jesusgirl #faithblogger #oneword2021 #oneword365
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Books were my companions in 2020. In my early mothering years, I didn’t have the space to sit with books, to let them fill me soul’s pores in ways...

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Jan 13

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Books were my companions in 2020. In my early mothering years, I didn’t have the space to sit with books, to let them fill me soul’s pores in ways they had when I was a child voraciously reading in the corner. My busy schedule and exhausted lifestyle didn’t leave space for me to stay with words, to linger long.
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I know that sounds crazy since I’m a writer, but it’s true.
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But not this year. This year I read. I climbed into bed on some afternoons and many nights a week and dove into the deep end. I savored the words like a delicious meal you don’t want to end.
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These 10 books have been my friends in 2020 when other friendships have felt strained, awkward, and even distant. I know that’s mostly because this pandemic forced us to hold each other at a distance. I know that’s probably because many of us quickly grew weary of texting and bearing our souls even to our favorite people through Zoom.
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Maybe some of us never even started.
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But these books, these words, held me. They pushed, prodded, and poked. They invited me into dialogue I desperately needed. Sometime it was the sheer beauty of the words that brought comfort. Other times it was the message that looked me square in the eyes and said, “Yes, this is for you.”
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I read bits and pieces of many other books this year that were meaningful, but these 10 are the ones I wish I could wrap up in brown paper and tie with a pale blue ribbon and leave on your porch. I pray one or two of these will be a companion to you as it looks like 2021 may be a little more of the same for a lot of us.
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Click on the link in my bio to see my Top 10 list + 2 fave book club books: https://dorinagilmore.com/10-inspiring-books-i-read-in-2020/ 
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📚 What books did you read in 2020 that you would recommend? 📖 
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👉🏽The second pic is my growing stack for 2021! 
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#books #bookreview #top10 #booksworm #reading #bookstagram
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🍣 My girl is a big fan of sushi. In recent years, we have frequented different sushi restaurants as a family for special occasions. But we’ve ...

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Jan 11

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🍣 My girl is a big fan of sushi. In recent years, we have frequented different sushi restaurants as a family for special occasions. But we’ve never made our own sushi. Honestly, it felt a little daunting.
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🍱 One of our favorite parts of eating at sushi restaurants is seeing the artful ways the sushi chefs display the rolls and the combinations of seafood, veggies, and sauces they employ.
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🇯🇵 Meilani made a list of necessary ingredients. I sent a few texts to my Auntie Doris, who is Japanese-American, and has some experience with sushi and Japanese foods. (When in doubt, phone an experienced friend or family member!)
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🍚 Meilani put the sushi rice in our Instant Pot. We wanted to make sure it was cooked and cooled before assembling the rolls.
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🎣 Meanwhile, we took a little field trip to R-N Market, our local Asian food market. We frequent this market often for ingredients for our favorite Filipino dishes, but this was our first time buying sushi grade fish. I was grateful for an experienced butcher to help us along. We decided to purchase some fresh salmon, avocados, cucumber, and pineapple for our first rolls.
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We returned home with our bounty and set to work. I sliced the ingredients thinly while Meilani prepped the sheets of nori and sushi rice. We started rolling...
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Making sushi is not something I would attempt on a typical day, but this experience helped remind me that God’s glory is often discovered in the kitchen and through the exploration of culture through food. This is a value I long to instill in my daughters and embrace myself. We are each created in God’s image. We belong to each other. There is much we can learn from each other that will give us a fuller picture of our creative God.
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👉🏽We are traveling the world from the comfort of home during the pandemic. Check out the full story about our sushi adventures and other “trips” on my blog at www.DorinaGilmore.com
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#traveltheworld #workdtravel #foodie #foodiefamily #pandemiclife #creativeathome #glorychasers #yum #sushi #raisingstrongdaughters
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